Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Taking Control

I have not been able to write in what seems like forever. But don't I say that every time I write these days?
I feel like we are so consumed within our every day, day-to-day lives, that we forget to take moments and appreciate what we have. To take the time out of our day to give back a little. Pay it forward, in some sort of way. We forget those moments. We get so caught up in what seems like the now but in reality we are missing out on the most extraordinary occasions and junctures. The extraordinary to be carefree, to be childish, to play, to get lost in ourselves and in others. We miss out on the extraordinary moments where you are free to let go and let loose where there is uncontrollable laughing until you cry, where your stomach is aching from the consumption of happiness. There needs to be more of that in life. Surrounding yourself within the negative energy of others should not be an option. Having good light and vibes is what's needed most in life. We often forget this because reality feels all to harsh. We create our own reality. We are the ones in control of what we think, how we feel, what we do within our souls, and our lives. Make that life, YOUR life, something so beautiful and full of light.

I know a while back I wrote how depression is one of the hardest ruts to dig yourself out of. That some days the consumption of darkness is so irreversible you cannot remember which way is up. But I went on to tell you that, that was okay, and that it takes time to really get over something that is so monumental and tragic. You will know when it is time. If you are trying and working at making your life better, there will come a day where you know you are stronger than anything in the world and you can survive the most cut throat of situations. You will find yourself laughing more, opening up, letting go of all the accentuation and stress that weighed you down before.

You will come to the realization that your life, no matter what had happen to you, abuse (metal, physical, emotional, or sexual), death, accident, what ever it may be, will always be in your control for the outcome. From the moment you wake up and stretch for the first time, until you go to bed and have your final thoughts of the day, you have control on how you feel and how you want to navigate all of those moments. I have experienced this first hand, and I have overcome it and finally realized none of it was my fault, and that if I want to better my life and my future that I have the control and that I have the option to be carefree and get lost in this blissful life.

Your mind becomes more clear. You begin to have hope. Hope for your dreams. Like my dreams. I dream I will be able to travel the world and gain more knowledge first hand of different cultures and experience life from a different view of the world. I dream that I will be the aspiring, determinate person I know I can be and help change lives. I dream that I will accomplish every goal I set my mind too. I dream that I will continue to be carefree, childish, silly, and fun, but know when I have to be serious. I dream that I will cherish each and every soul I come across from each and every country. I dream that I will make a difference in the community with teenage girls who struggle from the effects of sexual abuse. I have a world of dreams that I hope and plan to conquer.  Just as you should and accomplish each every one of them! It's all in your control.

With that, I hope today is better than yesterday, and tomorrow is better than today!!
-TaylerMarie <3

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Motivation to Be

Some days I get this feeling of guilt because I have not written in a while and this is my baby. I use to be a faithful writer. Everyday I would have a lesson of my life or life in general and I would try and have this positive outlook for that situation that was focused. But I lost motivation and the drive to want to continue writing. I started the rough draft to a book that I thought I could be easily manifested and turns out life is busy. I mean trying to balance college, social life, homework, work, and my sanity is all to crazy.

But recently I have been motivated to almost start at the beginning. Give a different view through the different person I am today. Last night I watched a video that was posted on my Facebook and this girl experienced sexual abuse, and that lead her down a path of self-destruction. And it was very heart-breaking to even watch. I mean I experienced almost the same situation and I had my "rebel" and "depressed" moments, but I never had the 'side-effects' that she had. And that made me really think about what I had been through. I thought about how I felt after I got the outcome that was needed from my situation and what my mental stability was and still is. I took the "coming out" really hard. Telling my mom and my family and my sisters what had happen was the hardest thing I have ever encountered. It was harder than moving 600 miles away from my mom, it was harder than any class I have had so far in college, it was harder than leaving the most important people in my life, so that I could accomplish my dreams. It was seriously the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And I did go into a deep depression and then my depression turn to anger. Anger that was directed at the wrong people in my life. They were being effected by out-lashes that were totally unnecessary. I can remember yelling at someone for little things. For example, if they decided that they wanted to sit by me while they were eating I would ask them, "What the hell do you think you are doing sitting next me while you're eating?" and I would cry instantaneously (and still to this day happens) if someone would clean their teeth. They suck the food or whatever it may be out of their teeth and it makes me cry. I don't cry because it makes me sad, I cry because it makes me angry. There is this switch that goes off in my mind that makes me so furious and irritated that I cry. I have to get up or away from whoever is doing that and calm myself down. In the beginning I didn't know why, and then I knew that it was a side-effect and something I have to work through and handle everyday of my life. And I realized that I did have after effects from my abuse just like the girl from the video. They were just different than hers.

Her and I did have one affect that were similar and that was confidence. Confidence in our appearance. She became bulimic because she thought that what people told her was true, especially the statement "you're fat". Though I did not become bulimic, I did have self-esteem issues. I started wearing more make-up, dressed more provocatively, and I would complain about every aspect of my appearance. I hated how 'chunky' my cheeks were, how big my nose was, how small my lips were, how little my eyes were, how un-perfect my skin was, how little my thighs, calves, and ass were. I mean I criticized every itch of my body. And that put me in a place that today I wish to never go back to. I had rebuild my confidence from the ground up. I got a job, I started showing interest in guys, and doing those things really helped rebuild me and my personality. I felt beautiful to have random costumers, and co-workers tell me that I was gorgeous and that they wish that had my eyes and that they wish they were thin like me and still have a 'curve' to their figure. I fell in love with that fact that I had the ability to make boys/men turn their heads. That I could affect them. I caught myself looking in the mirror longer than normal and I found myself feeling real genuine confidence in all that I was. I loved my personality and I learned to love my entire body. And I realized that if I hadn't experienced that abuse, I would not be the strong, and self-confident person that I am today. I accepted the quote/statement "everything happens for a reason".

Trauma comes differently in everyone's life. It could be different types of abuse: sexual, physical, and or emtional. It could be a car accident, doing something accidentally that changes your whole life, it could be fighting war, in reality and in your mind. By mind I mean mental issues: depression, schizophrenia, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) etc. It could be many things, and that is one of the hardest, or the hardest thing you will ever have to encounter and get over. Life is the most unexpected, and the most rewarding experience that any human can ever encounter. It is worth it. Every moment, every mistake, every doubt, every regret, is worth the life you can make if you try and have a positive outlook on each and every know-how.  

With that said, I hope that today was better than yesterday, and that tomorrow is better than today! <3


Sunday, January 26, 2014

Internal Change

Things happen in life. You live and you learn. But when you are in the mix of it all you don't see the outcome.

Change is all around us. Making us who we are as people. We change every single day. We discover things about ourselves that we didn't know yesterday.

Being here, living in a new place, with new people is changing me and who I thought I was back home. I am having fun, and I love it here, but the change is scaring. It is also exhilarating. The difficulty in it all is accepting those changes.

How can you live your life a certain way for so long, and when you discover new things about yourself, and life, just accept it? It's hard. It is easier said than done. I think we all have moments in our lives where we really just have an eye opener. Something that literally changes your life. Whether it is with people you meet, or an experience you tried for the first time, it can make the difference.

I am having a life change. I am having a hard time accepting certain things, but I am gratefully and selfishly accepting the things that are "acceptable", "beneficial", "valuable". It will never be easy accepting the troublesome you are faced with.
I usually have something philosophical, and promising to say. To encourage you. To try and make everything better, or more easy if you are experiencing a similar situation, but let's get real here, shit happens. I am writing and more than 20 different countries are reading, so lets be honest and say it how it is. Shit that you don't want to happen, will happen. You won't want to accept it, but you have to do it. You have to accept it, so that you can be happy. Because if you are not internally happy with your self, your life will be miserable.
The actions that we have to take to complete the change that is challenging will be the most important steps you take as a person.

So with that said, I hope today is better than yesterday, and tomorrow is better than today!

Love always,
TaylerMarie <3