Monday, April 29, 2013


I want to start off and say THANK YOU everyone for reading, and sharing my blog! It's unbelievable, and I feel so fortunate to have such amazing supporters, and daily readers, it makes my heart feel so happy and at complete bliss to know the message is being spread, and my voice is being heard! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Remember, you can email your questions, concerns, comments, whatever it may be at .


Living in today's society is so hard. So many judging, so many different expectation, all while dealing with your inner thoughts and emotions.

Some control the exterior look better than others. I was so scared to tell my story at first because I did not want to be judge, and looked at differently. Then I had an sudden mental break through, and I gave it my all.

It all started with this semesters civic service project. What can you do to change the world? I originally wanted to do my project on sexual education. I wanted to talk about facts, and opinions, and different outlooks on what they thought about the ordeal. Then I started reading the facts on sexual assaults, and the statistics on how many teens do not speak out about their issues, and their abuse. I suddenly felt this feeling, this urge that I needed to do that. Then come to it, it's something I really enjoy doing!

We should always see the positive side of every situation. Being negative can be a huge asset while digging a huge whole of emotions. We need to see the bright side of things. No matter what the situation is you can get through it. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Even if the tunnel is a million miles long. It may seem so dark, with no sight of what the future may hold, but if you have faith, and hope, that will conquer all the fear, and sadness that you may be feeling at the time.

You are all incredibly beautiful, and have such amazing souls. So hold on to all the hope, and faith and you will get out of the dark hole, and you will persevere and prosper into amazing beings.

-"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience!"-Unknown

Love always,

Friday, April 26, 2013

February 4, 2007

Tomorrow is April 27, 2013. That day is my grandpa Michael's 58 birthday. He passed away February 4, 2007. It was Super Bowl weekend, and as he left a near by bar, he wrecked his motorcycle, and died.

The shock, grief, and powerful sadness that we felt as family was unbearable. I remember staying at my grandma's the night of the accident. My aunt and my cousins that drove from Burney made it down very quickly. I was waken by my cousin Lillian. I told her that it felt like a dream. That none of this was real and that when I  wake up I'll be at grandma's house with my grandpa ready to make my bowl of Lucky Charms cereal, like he always did when I would stay the night. He was almost faithful about it. Then he would ask me what I wanted to do that day, and if there was anything I really wanted. I felt nothing would change. I didn't understand the severity of death. How permanent it was! I didn't cry for four whole days. On the fifth day, was the funeral. I only been to one other funeral prior to my grandpa's. I broke completely down, and I had no control over my devastation. It was uncontrollable, and it hurt. 

My family was affected tremendously, and things changed drastically. I couldn't control anything at this point. I was only twelve. My knowledge to others viewed very low. I was just a kid. But I was a kid with a broken heart.

I remember my grandpa  had hurt his shoulder, I think it was broken, and we were swimming. He was so tall he could touch in the deep in. And so all the kids wanted grandpa to throw them off his shoulders. All the kids went, and finally it was my turn, and i jump off his shoulders, and into the deep in. As I came up for air, my grandpa was hopping out of the pool. His shoulder was hurt again, and really bad. He could no longer throw us off his shoulders. The point is that he was such a wonderful grandfather, with a broken shoulder, and still he would put us before him, and gave us what we needed and what we wanted.

He was the most amazing man anyone could have ever met. He was loud, funny, a wonderful dancer (haha), and he had such a beautiful and angelic soul. He was a family man. Everything he did in his life was for his family. In one way or another.

Everyone in our family handled the grief differently. That was the first  real change that happened in our lives. It was devastating, and unbearable. But we grew from my grandpa's death. As a family most importantly. We make sure we talk to each other everyday, and tell each other we love you, no matter what the situation is. Never go to bed mad or angry at one another.

So tomorrow, as I get ready for my very first prom, I know that my grandpa will be with me through spirit and my love for him. And I will be sharing my beautiful night with him, celebrating his birthday!

I love you grandpa and I miss you everyday, all the time. I wish you were here to see me graduate high school, and get all these scholarships. I have accomplished so much since my incident, and  you were a huge impact on that. Everyday I would tell myself that this is for grandpa, and he would be proud! So I hope you were with me today receiving my scholarship, and I hope you are with me tomorrow, and everyday after that. Guiding me, and leading me down a path that will be correct for not only my future, but for our family's as well. I love you so much!

Love always,
Tayler Marie

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

For You! -bloggergirl (:

I am always trying. Pushing myself for more, and more. Having determination to get somewhere in life. But I have my days where that's not the case.

My determination lacks, and my self perserverance is at a low. I just want to lay, and think. Mostly over analyze, every situation.

Those may think, "Wow, she has crazy mood swings!" Go ahead and think that because some days I have those thoughts as well. But I'm a changing eighteen year old girl with hormones, and victimless thoughts about the past.

Some people put their feelings in a journal, diary, on their phone, heck some even put it on social networking sites. I know I've been on to do all of that, but blogging is new to me. I have really learned a lot from it. Hearing others responses, their feelings and experiences, and when that happens, all the craziness, all the 'mess' that's going on in my life seems to fade away because I feel I could have it worse, and that I am being selfish. I'm a person who is always wanting to help others, in any way possible.

What's really ironic is that it is so very difficult for me to recieve help from others. Espically if I don't know them, but with my blog I have learned to accept the help, and to embrace all the love.

So today I created a special email for questions, advice, to tell your story, whatever it may be. I will check it daily and respond with the best of my ability. The email address is

I have really appriciated all the feed back, so this is my way to try and give back! You all have been amazing reading daily, and connecting with me. Encouraging me to tell more and open myself with my abuse, and how I over came it. So thank you, thank you, thank you!

Love Always,
-Tayler Marie

Sunday, April 21, 2013

My Big Sister!

Yesterday was a good day. It was well spent with my family, and my brother-in-law's family. We had a barbecue, and enjoyed the time we had together.

Yesterday afternoon, I gave my sister some news that I had recieved a few days past. She was so happy for me, and she looked so proud. I never really seen that before. And then she asked me something that made me feel worthy, and proud to have her as my sister. She said, "Can I tell my part of the story with you one day? Or maybe even a few times?" It made me so happy that she wanted to do this. I am beyond proud of my sister.

We are just like any other sisters. We argue, and fight, but we always make up. But we also can be friends who get along great, and share the moments, like yesterday, together. She always, and I mean always, is giving me advice, and giving me assurance when I am not to confident. I never really tell her that I appreciate that. To be honest most of the advice she has given me, I have taken. It's over the world how influencial and how inspiring my sister is. But she is also older than me, so she has a little more experience.

So I have a plan with my sister. I want her to tell her side of the story. Because I think that we have so much to tell. For example, yesterday, she told me some of her story. And I never knew we had the same feelings. And our feelings may seem confusing to you guys, but to us they make perfect sense to us. Like, the love we had for him, but the hate for the action he did. People don't understand that he was there our whole life. Raising us, providing for us, doing things that a dad should be doing. We confided in him. Those feeling are normal for a child to have, when they see someone as their father figure.

I have been able to reflect on my own life, and I see my sister reflecting on her own. And I see her now. She has a beautiful daughter, and a wonderful dad to her baby. They are happy, and they are growing with one another, and learning. They are becoming something I wish to have in the future.

I see my sister, and it truly gives me hope. It brings tears to my eyes to see my sister so happy, and those are tears of joy, and happiness. She is the best mother, and the best sister, and daughter. She and I will grow closer I am sure. The more I become mature, and learn from her.

I am excited that she is part of my future, and possibly my success! I don't think I would have it any other way. She will inspire, just as much as me, if not more!

Together we will fight through our hardships, and our fears. We will inspire, and educate the world with our personal knowledge, and experience!

There is so much more in our future, both together, and personally.

So today I tell you that your bigger sister can teach you so much about your own experience, about life, how to handle situations, so appreciate everything they do, because they do it for a reason. Their reason may not seem like it makes sense to you, but it will work out in the end.

I love you Big Sister! You are amazing, and I want to thank you for the talk yesterday, and for all the things you have helped me with! You amaze me everyday. And know I appreciate everything. I love you!

-Live life today with appreciation, and love. You never know what tomorrow holds.

Love always,
Tayler Marie

Friday, April 19, 2013

What happened behind the closed door?

There are 207,754 victims of sexual assault each year. This saddeneds me so much. I think to myself, "Why in the world would anyone think it is okay to rape, moslest, or sexual abuse another human being? Especially a child?"

It boggles my mind that therer are souls out there that manipulate others to take advantage of them. For what reason? To have control? To feel empowered? I still to this day don't understand. I don't think I ever will. But I know that it has to be a mental issue. Because we have "normal" men/women out there that don't abuse children, or anyone for that matter. So the question remains, and will always remain, why?

I shared my theory of the mental issues, but in my case, my abuser knew what was wrong, and what was right. He would tell me, if anyone tries to touch you with out permission, call the cops, or tell me and I will handle it. It never really clicked in my head, that  what he was doing was "unwanted" and "unpermissioned" touching and the technicalities of everything confused me. I had no idea what was right, and wrong with him, but I knew it was wrong with other people.

I had times where I would feel uncomfortable, but I still didn't understand. I thought it was normal. I thought that was how he showed his love toward me and my sisters.

One night, he got drunk. My cousin and I went to the restroom. And I remember him kicking me out the bathroom. Better yet he threw me out of the bathroom. I remember that I waited outside the bathroom door, knowing exactly what was going on, on the inside. So he came out, and I looked at her. She was scared, and sad. I kept asking her, "What happened? Did he do something to you?" She just kept telling me, "If I tell you your whole family will be ruined. It wouldn't be whole. I can't tell you. I told him I wouldn't."

I made the situation a big deal. She would run away from, but I would chase her. She eventually locked her self away from, and I let it go. At least I let her think that. The next morning I acted as if nothing happened. But I still remembered, and I thought long and hard about it.

Then I just gave up. Why? Because I felt it would mean nothing if I said something. I felt as if I didn't have enough proof. I also felt that I underestimated his sense of control and manipulation.

I moved on with my life, and lived it just like everyday before. It probably wasn't a good idea, but looking back it was the best decision I ever made. I am a different person. I am person who wants to change the world, one person at a time, or a group at a time.

So today I leave you with, be loving to one another, and open your eyes for those you love around you. You never know what could be happening behind a closed door. Looks can be deceiving...

Love always,
Tayler Marie

Facts of Sexual Abuse!

  1. 44 percent of sexual assault victims are under age 18.
  2. Someone in the US is sexually assaulted every 2 minutes.
  3. 1 out of every 6 women in America has been the victim of an attempted or rape in her lifetime.
  4. Sexual assault is the most under-reported violent crime in the U.S. Only 46 percent of sexual assaults have been reported over the past 5 years.
  5. Two-thirds of assaults are committed by someone the victim knows.
  6. Girls ages 16 to 19 are four times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault.
  7. 5 percent of males in grades 9-12 said they have been sexually abused.
  8. 93 percent of juvenile sexual assault victims know their attacker.
  9. Victims of sexual assault are 26 times more likely to abuse drugs. And 13 times more likely to abuse alcohol.
  10. 1 in 33 American men have experienced attempted rape or rape in their lifetime.
  11. There are 207,754 victims (age 12 or older) of rape and sexual assault every year

I got these facts from:

Visit this site for more information and educate yourself about sexual abuse!

Thursday, April 18, 2013


Today I write not about my abuse, but about my accomplishments, and the positive things that have happened in my life.

Recently, I have found out that I have won the A.C.S.A recognition, and also I'm the district awardee. Meaning I will not only get the recognition, but I will be receiving a scholarship. This has been one of the biggest accomplishment I have had this year, aside from getting accepted to a four year university. I am so happy that life has given me these opportunities to prosper and to succeed. I am ready to be better, and I am ready to embrace the change that is about to happen in just a few short months. I am about to enter the real world, and college. I am about to experience this new chapter in my life that will be one of the most memorable moments. I am so blessed.

Whether I choose to move away, or stay here in town, I know that I will succeed and become something so wonderful!

I have faith that things will continue to change for the better. I know that God works in mysterious ways, and my way happens to be a great, postive, and mysterious way. I enjoy and look forward for what he has plan for me and my life and my future.

And I know he will continue to put people in my life, to help me grow, and to help shape the person I am going to be. I love the people I have in my life, that are new, continuous, or old. It's been a pleasant experience with all of them! I wouldn't change that for anything.

Everything happens for a reason, and there was a reason for my abuse and my overcoming it. My reason was to share, and educate others and inspire them.

So remember, look at all the positive outcomes of every situation. Because you will grow and be fabulous! <3

Sunday, April 14, 2013


For the first year, after confronted my situation, I had really bad night terrors. It started to actually scare me to fall asleep. I was afraid what I was going to dream next!

They eventually went away. I distracted myself with other obstacles, and projects. That really helped me, it made the nightmares go away.

Last night, (4-13/14-2013) I had a nightmare, for the first time in a while! It was so real, so vivid, and it scared me.

It felt like everything was happening all over again. When I have these dreams its hard for me to move on in my day. I put on the fake smile, pretend that the dream never happened, but last nights dream was to much... Today I replay that dream.. It's not a great idea that I do this, but I can't help it.

This is completely normal for a victim of abuse, but not many people express their nightmares to anyone, and that is what eats at their emotions, and their mind.

Today I woke up, scared, but happy that it was only a dream! I realized that I was in my house, and I was with my family that cared so much about me.

Though, I couldn't face going to church. The nightmare took so much energy from me, I was so tired, and exhausted I just couldn't go. I stayed in bed for a while, but couldn't go back to sleep. I was too afraid that I would be seeing the same dream.

So I made the decision to talk about my nightmare...

It was the same dream that I had a million other times.

I was in the shower. In our laundry room. It was mid-day, and I stayed home from school. I wasn't feeling well. I decided that a nice hot shower would help with my upset stomach. I'd only been in the shower for about 10 minutes,when he entered. I thought maybe he was changing the laundry, or throwing something in the trash. Little did I know he was in there for me. I didn't know how to react. He did what he did, and left the room. I was left in shock, and horror. I could not stop the crying. It was uncontrollable. I felt my pain, and my suffering through my dream, and it woke me up in cold sweat and tears. I  gathered my thoughts, and my reality.

I think this dream happened because I have been digging in my past for the last week, to write this blog and to give everyone my story. I know this won't be the last nightmare I have, but I hope it's the last one for a while.

Everyday people are being sexually abused, and or overcoming their assault. Nightmares are part of the healing process. They will come and go, but we get over it and we prosper into beautiful flowers!  

Saturday, April 13, 2013

My Mother and I Together

Life, is hard when you're being abused. But it's even harder when your mom is an alcoholic. It's hard to really understand life, when your mom looks so confused in your eyes. I tried a few time to tell her, but I didn't have the confidence, and the assuarance that things would be okay.

The day I told her, wasn't a bad day. A week later, that's when it was the start for the worse. She cried, and cried. I noticed that she started to drink more and more everyday. Soon, it looked like the alcohol and the beer was her "water". That was hard. To see my mom drinking. She was the person I needed the most, and I felt like I couldn't have all of her.

Now my mother is a year and half sober, and she is the best mother any girl could ask for! She's open minded, she's loving, and actually cares, and tries to understand what is going on in my life... I love her, and she doesn't understand that she is my absolute best friend, because she gets more details in stories then my actual friends.

I am thankful for my mom being an alcholic. Crazy, right? Yeah I know. But she met someone who help changed our lives. He helped us find God, and get on the right path with our lives. She is so happy and when he comes home from work she has this sparkle in her eye, and I know that everything will be alright.

My mom and I have prosperred from this experience, together. She is sober, and I am stronger. There is so much in life that we have recently got to experience together. She knows about my first real crush. She knows my feelings and she knows my mood just by looking at me. Two years ago I would have never imagined my life like this with her.

We went through this situation together, and because it happen to her kids, I think it brought a lot of old memories back to her. But we know how to handle them now, and we know that we can only get stronger from this. Everyday we are growing and I thank God, for giving me this obstical. He knew that advocating, and educating others was a purpose in my life and now I am achieving that goal!

So today I thank my abuser, I thank my mom, my family, and I thank God!

Friday, April 12, 2013

The Beginning to My End

Summer night! The parents were out, and the kids were at grandma's house. I was on the computer, and my sister had noticed an odd status of our other sister. Next thing I knew, she instant messaged me on Myspace. She was asking me questions, and I would answer them. Little did I know they would go to an investigator, and then to the police.

About a week later, the police showed up at our house. They wanted to talk to all of us individually. I was watching my sister with the cop. She was crying. Was she telling the truth? What is she saying? I felt like I needed to know her lie, so mine could be similar. I needed guidance, but the cop didn't allow us to talk. Once she was done, it was my turn.

He took me across the street from my house, to his cop car, and began the interview. Do you no why I am here? What really is going on? I suggest you don't lie to me, because I can help you. I lied to him. Every question he asked, I lied. Except for one!

He said, "Do you love your little sister?"
And I responded, "Yes, more than anything!"
He replied with, "Just remember, what you told me determines her future."

That hit me hard. I have never told anyone that. But it constantly plays in my mind. I guess I didn't really understand what that meant at the time. Now I do. He was telling me that if I didn't tell someone the truth now, it would soon happen to her. I could NEVER imagine if that happen to her. I would go crazy, and defend her so quickly. More than anyone. A lot of my focus is on my little sister. If anything horrible happens to her, that was similar to my abuse, I would lose my mind. She is my heart and soul, though we are just like any couple of sisters.

Few weeks later, we started the beginning to our end.

Court started, and we were subpoenaed to go. The first time, we went wasn't that scary. We didn't see him in the court room.

The second time, so nerve racking! I almost cried. He was there. His hair was starting to grow out. He had a blank expression and he didn't look our way once. That petrified me! I couldn't believe this was happening. I thought I'd never have to experience this. I thought my life would end up differently and my life would be amazing, and I would achieve all my dreams and goals, like being an actress, or model, but with what I was experiencing at the time, those dreams were shot. Every dream and goal.

Then there was our final court date. That was the worse. They put us in this tiny back room office. Him at one end of the table, then our entire family at the other. It felt like we were in that room for a lifetime. The judge talking, the lawyers talking, none of it making sense to this 15 year old girl. I held my sister's friend's hand so tight, her hand was purple. The only thing I heard was "... will be sentenced to 10 years in prison..." the rest was a blur. I couldn't stop thinking, how can a man, that molested five girls, get only ten years? That made no sense to me, and it made me angry. I was never an angry person, 'til this time.

I have grown, and prospered, and gained so much knowledge and maturity from this experience. I'm reaching for my goals. I may not be an actress, but I have found new goals and new dreams, and I am determined that my aspirations come true and I become something people told me I could never be!

Love Always,
-Tayler <3

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Relationships, and My Difficulties

Trusting someone was never hard as a young girl. I was very loud, outgoing, squeaky as can be and I was very "happy-go-lucky". I could make a friendship/relationship with almost anyone.

Now that I'm older, and have gone through my life experiences, it's became harder.
Relationships were never in my eyes. Personal relationships anyway.

It's hard for me to let others in and trust them.

I felt like I would be judge for what happen to me, and why I didn't say something sooner. I had a hard time. And still it's hard for me. I have recently let someone in, though I'm not sure if it was a good idea. Though I over analyze everything. I could just be having my first real "girl moment". Everyone I talk to tells me to be patient, and that's what I'll be. Patient.

I try to be optimistic when I begin new relationships, but growing up and not wanting to get too close to someone, because I was scared what was happening to me was going happen to them, was difficult. It becomes a habit to not let someone in. Especially the fear of letting them hurt me, whether its unintentional or intentional. Having either as an option petrifies me more than anything.

I have learned that there will be times where you feel everything will work out in your favor, and it will stay that way. I have learned that things will not work out, no matter how hard you try. Things, like relationships, will never be perfect, and it's taken me this long to learn that, and accept it!

I'm stubborn, and I'm very peculiar with the people I let in my life! I have tried to tone it down, and I am much better than before, but I think that my guard will always be up.

Sexual, and emotional abuse takes a toll on someone emotionally, but it doesn't last forever. You grow, but that guard, that wall that you build to protect yourself, will soon crumble. Though it will always remain. It's that old, ancient Greek building, that's starting to disintegrate, but is being supported by support beams. Struggling from the weight of the building. Not sure when it's going to collapse. You almost build your relationship that way. Waiting for the day, for it to collapse.

Recently, I have been given hope. I see my sister with her boyfriend. They are so happy, and they have started a family. She is the happiest I have ever seen her in my entire life and that gives me hope, and faith that God is starting to work on me, and teaching me that I can let people in and I can trust them.

Also I see my mother. She's married. She always told me she would NEVER get married again, but she has found the one she loves the most, and she has genuine love toward her husband, and I know for sure that there is hope for me, and my struggles to find the trust I need in not only in "a man", but in all my personal relationships. 

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." -Anais Nin 


Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Moving Forward!!

Moving forward. Where do you start? How do you begin to have normalcy in your life? How do you trust anyone? How do you have a significant other that you can feel comfortable with, and confide in, with confidence that they won't hurt you in that way?

I have been there. Why move on? It's not like I'm special. I'm just that girl that was abuse and now has emotional issues. Those thoughts were so negative, and dark. But that's the truth. You feel like nothing is left in your life. People tell you everyday that it will get better and you will move on. But what they don't emphasize the most is how long it takes. Here I am 3/4 years later, and I barely have the courage to tell my story. I can barely stand having people I don't really trust touch me, hug me. It's a hard, long, and difficult process! But time does heal. You may never forget, but when you learn to forgive, not the assaulter, but yourself, the process to heal begins.

One day in October of 2012, I got some courage to do a little research, and digging. I contacted a lady, that I have grown fairly close to, who works at the Family Crisis Center, here in town. I told her that I was interested in sharing my story with others. That I wanted to help make a change in this world, and if advocating again sexual and emotional abuse was the way, I was committed. I was still a little doubtful, and unsure if I should do this. I cared to much about what others thought of my situation. And I was really scared as of what my family would think about telling my story to the world! Turns out, they love the idea. They are proud of me, and are hoping I continue this and try to change the world for the better.

Everyday I think, how did I do this? How am I the person I am today? God gave me strength I did not believe existed  He saved me from me. I was on the verge of self destruction to say the least. I could not grasp the idea that I finally moved on, and that I am actually writing this blog entry today. To be quite honest, I can't believe that I have the courage, and confidence to write this blog. 

I have gained so much from my experience! I have learned to value life more, and appreciate the things that I never thought I would. I do not take anything for granted, anymore.  I have become a whole new person, and I am glad I get to share myself with the world! I hope that my story make a difference in someone else's life, because that would mean more to me than the world would ever know. 

Overcoming is hard, and its very confusing, especially if you're a teenager. Your body is changing, you have no control over your emotions. That adds to your hardships! It's definitely a challenge, but life gets easier, and you grow, and you feel like you can handle and accomplish anything. All you need is to believe in yourself, and believe that things will get better. It always does! 

Remember, "God does not give you anything you cannot handle"    

7 Myths of about Sexual Assault

 7 Myths about Sexual Assault that people assume, with the actual facts! I got this from

1. Most rapists are strangers.
77% of female sexual assault victims know their assailants. On college campuses, 9 out of 10 female victims know their attackers.
2. If victims don't aggressively fight back, they weren't raped.
Intentional sexual contact without consent of the other person constitutes sexual assault, regardless of whether or not victims fight back. Victims may not use physical force for a number of reasons, including fear or physical incapacitation.
3. Rape requires the use of a weapon.
According to the U.S. Department of Justice, 80% of rape and sexual assault incidents do not involve a weapon.
4.Men cannot be raped.
1 out of 33 men will be a victim of rape or sexual assault in his lifetime.
5. Most often, a rapist is arrested and jailed after the assault.
60% of rapes and sexual assaults are never reported, and only 40% of reported rapes are prosecuted. 15 out of 16 rapists will never serve jail time.
6. It is impossible to rape a spouse or significant other.
Just because someone has consented to have sex with a spouse or partner once, twice, or a hundred times before does not mean that he or she has consented to all future sex with that person.
7. A woman is "asking for it" if she is dressed a certain way or acts a certain way.
Intentional sexual contact without consent of the other person constitutes sexual assault, regardless of whether or not victims fight back. No one "asks" to be raped regardless of what the person is wearing or how the person is behaving.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

"The Hard Truth!"

Today I sit here, writing and rewriting. Not sure how to go about this!

To tell or not to tell?

I have pondered this often today...

My voice may be the one to save someone, or to help them through their tough times..

I was sexually abused growing up. The hardest part is not saying something. I had this mind state, that if I said something everything would go wrong in my life. That it would be my fault for not keeping my mouth shut and not keeping the family together. I told myself for the longest time that it was easier to endure the painful suffering of the abuse and manipulation then to face reality of not having my family...

To you, you may ask, why do that to yourself? Well when you see your family happy around each other, and doing "normal" things, it gives you hope that things will change in your life. It gives you some faith that the person, who you think you love, will one day stop and realize that what they did was a mistake! Though, that is not always the case. To be honest it can get worse. There becomes threats, and demands, and you are not so sure you can handle it anymore. You are no longer yourself. That bugs you at first, but then it becomes home. It become almost natural to lie to others. To tell them, "I love my life." When in reality you don't feel that way at all. You feel like its not worth anything.

I had kept this a secret my whole life... and I continued to keep it a secret.

The summer of 2009, the truth came out, and I continued to lie... to my mom, sisters, the police. Eventually the case was closed and we could continue our lives.

Then one afternoon, it happened, again. It was horrible... I felt like life was over. I felt shameful for letting it happen and not speaking out and telling the truth. It felt like my heart was being ripped out my chest, and it literally hurt me to even think about it. So I got the courage to tell my sister. My sister knew, and she helped me write a long, not so very detailed letter to my mom. We left the letter on her bed and went out with family.

When I came home, my mother was so sad. Her eyes were bloodshot red, and had so much pain, guilt, and denial. So many emotions I read on her face! At this point I was confused and was doubting myself if writing that letter was a good idea.

My mom had the same thing happened to her, and she could not believe that she did not see this happening to her babies. There soon was change in our lives, it looked brighter...

I know this is personal, but sexual assault is in existence, and its a hard thing to go through and understand and get over. Just understand that there are options for life, and it can make all the difference... even if you feel like there will be no one, that's not true, there are so many people you just have to believe and have faith that you can confide and trust in them, to help you get through your situation!

Monday, April 8, 2013

Monday, April 8th 2013: "Seen The Change"

Saturday morning I attended the Youth Summit Event at Port Naz Church, with a close friend. When we arrived, we received our name-tags and were lead to the main seating hall. There we were given background information on a guest speaker we were about to hear. Her name was Dawn Schiller and she was part of a domestic violence case with a man name, John Holmes, that was well known in the late 80's early 90's. They told us that she wrote a book, and there was a movie made about her. The man she was with was part of the "Wonderland Murders" in Los Angeles in 1989 and the movie was know as Wonderland, featuring Kate Bosworth, as Dawn, and Val Kilmer, as John. She soon came to the stage and began her story. When this abuse, and manipulation started in her life, she was 15. That instantly made me think of myself.

Her story was so intense and so genuine, that it made me think about my life, and other lives that have experience sexual assault. It made me realize that there may never be an end to sexual assaults or domestic violence, but if we share our voice, and our stories, with even just a few people, we are making a change. So today I am making the decision to tell my story and make a change.

It is always difficult to tell a personal and intense story of your own life to the whole world, but you learn that you are stronger and you can potentially save someone else's life. It always astounding to think that people overcome these horrific situations, and become amazing people, that are awe-inspiring.

When I listened to this story it made me think of the whole world who has experienced the same, and similar situations. How scared and petrified are people to tell the truth about sexual assault?

On this Website it gives you ELEVEN facts of sexual assaults that happen everyday in the world! Become educated with the world today and know the reality of what happens.

"Be the change you want to see in the world" -Gandhi