Thursday, April 11, 2013

Relationships, and My Difficulties

Trusting someone was never hard as a young girl. I was very loud, outgoing, squeaky as can be and I was very "happy-go-lucky". I could make a friendship/relationship with almost anyone.

Now that I'm older, and have gone through my life experiences, it's became harder.
Relationships were never in my eyes. Personal relationships anyway.

It's hard for me to let others in and trust them.

I felt like I would be judge for what happen to me, and why I didn't say something sooner. I had a hard time. And still it's hard for me. I have recently let someone in, though I'm not sure if it was a good idea. Though I over analyze everything. I could just be having my first real "girl moment". Everyone I talk to tells me to be patient, and that's what I'll be. Patient.

I try to be optimistic when I begin new relationships, but growing up and not wanting to get too close to someone, because I was scared what was happening to me was going happen to them, was difficult. It becomes a habit to not let someone in. Especially the fear of letting them hurt me, whether its unintentional or intentional. Having either as an option petrifies me more than anything.

I have learned that there will be times where you feel everything will work out in your favor, and it will stay that way. I have learned that things will not work out, no matter how hard you try. Things, like relationships, will never be perfect, and it's taken me this long to learn that, and accept it!

I'm stubborn, and I'm very peculiar with the people I let in my life! I have tried to tone it down, and I am much better than before, but I think that my guard will always be up.

Sexual, and emotional abuse takes a toll on someone emotionally, but it doesn't last forever. You grow, but that guard, that wall that you build to protect yourself, will soon crumble. Though it will always remain. It's that old, ancient Greek building, that's starting to disintegrate, but is being supported by support beams. Struggling from the weight of the building. Not sure when it's going to collapse. You almost build your relationship that way. Waiting for the day, for it to collapse.

Recently, I have been given hope. I see my sister with her boyfriend. They are so happy, and they have started a family. She is the happiest I have ever seen her in my entire life and that gives me hope, and faith that God is starting to work on me, and teaching me that I can let people in and I can trust them.

Also I see my mother. She's married. She always told me she would NEVER get married again, but she has found the one she loves the most, and she has genuine love toward her husband, and I know for sure that there is hope for me, and my struggles to find the trust I need in not only in "a man", but in all my personal relationships. 

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." -Anais Nin 


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