Friday, November 15, 2013
I have to earn money to pay for the things I need for college, and for all the things I want to do before I go! Part of being an adult.
But I have also stopped writing because I have been contemplating on whether or not I should print all my blogs, organized, do my writing magic, and put it into a book. And with my time, and thoughtful consideration, I have taken on this challenge.
The challenge of writing, the challenge of giving raw emotion, and the truth behind me and my past, present, and what I want for the future!
I have notice that I have lost some followers because my lack of writing, but know that I am not done. This is only the beginning. Please be patient and supportive of my decision! I have no idea what I am doing, or how to start! But I am taking that challenge.
If you any, and I seriously mean this, if ANY of you have any advice please let me know! This a new journey! It's going to take a while, so I promise you all that I will update you when something happens!
I thank each and every one of you for your loyal support, and dedication when it comes to my blogs! I love you all so very much!
I never thought I could be so blessed to have my words, and stories, and advice be heard in more than twenty countries! Truly I am grateful!
Email me: firstname.lastname@example.org
Monday, October 21, 2013
Difficulty comes at a price. That price is your emotions, and the positive energy that is within your soul! It seems like it is just stripped away from you. And its our job is to find it, fix it, and move on. But its not as easy as 123 or ABC, it's more complex than that!
The first step that is hard, is finding it. That part is perplex. Being lost, is an unbearable feeling! We don't know who we are, what to do, or why our minds are so dark. Maybe we lost our memory of it, or its because of our memory that we are so lost, and dark. When we are in this stage all we can focus on is the pessimistic energy that surrounds us, so to find us, we have to search within us, and find our light, our good energy, and try to run toward it.
When we find that light, and that energy, we have to move to the next stage, which is the hardest. We have to fix us. So what does that mean? It means that we have to know that whatever the situation or problem is, its not our fault. And we have to believe it with every fiber in our bodies, in our minds, and in our souls. When we know that, the heavy weight is lifted a little bit. It takes time to reach down and pick ourselves up, but use the good around you to help. Use the strength, the determination, the devotion, and the tenacity to stand tall, and take control of your life!
Once we have completed these two steps we can complete the process of healing. We can move on. We may always have the memories, but the forgiveness and strength we contain, can help us preserve anything life throws our way!
With that I hope today was better than yesterday, and tomorrow is better than today!
Email me anytime!
Monday, September 30, 2013
I'M BACK!! Hello world! Hope all is well with everyone. I want to give an update about my life! The last time I blogged I talked about college, and how I reapplied and was hoping, and praying that I get accepted! Well, with hard work, and a great personal statement, I have been accepted to Humboldt State University!! I have also been busy and haven't had time to write because I have a job now. My very first ever job! It's at a fast food place here in my little town.
Life gives us complications, diversity in our way of life, and it gives us attitude. They way we want to perceive and accept those ways is up to us. If we always see the negative, how will we ever have the positive brought into our lives?? I know that it won't always be unicorns and rainbows, but hell, if we don't think we are going to see that at the end of the tunnel where does that leave us mentally? It leaves us depressed, and feeling "unwanted". Sometimes we need to look at ourselves from the outside in, to overcome our hardships.
I have a hard time every now & again. I'm not saying that anyone has it perfect. We have all been to hell in back I'm sure. It's not fun. For a lack of better words, sometimes the roses smell like shit. But we have to realize that just down the road a way there is a field of wildflowers and they smell blissfully well, and give you the strength to do whatever trials come your way!
Having a life with negativity is hard. Especially if you're a survivor! I'm just strarting on this whole "adult hood" and so I don't have the means to move out on my own. Though at times I wish I was so I could have quietness or peace. But we have this life and we live for right now not yesterday, and we prepare for tomorrow! Be grateful for everything wonderful!
I'm so glad to be back, and impacting the world! Hope everyone enjoyed, and I promise there will be more!
I hope today was better than yesterday, and tomorrow is better than today!!
Email me: email@example.com
Saturday, August 24, 2013
I know I have been M.I.A for a while now! But a lot has happened! I have reapplied to college at Humboldt State University! I really am praying and hoping that I get accepted. To be honest my grades, SAT, ACT scores are not the best! Though I feel with the time I have had off I have learned my lesson, and I KNOW that I can do so much better in college, and I will be successful!
I have been doing research for weeks now! Looking at my options and what I can do to get accepted! I have really just been focused on my personal statement, and really making sure it is perfected and to the TEE! I have so much riding on this! My whole life. I didn't get the opportunity this fall semester because of some personal issues, and now I have the opportunity! I am really praying that I get accepted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have fought so hard for this. I deserve this. I have persevered, pushed, and over came so much pain, and emotional agony! I know that if this happens, everything in my life will be changed. I will be able to broaden my horizons with an education.
I want to be able to keep doing what I am doing here online, but also be able to help others in the real world. Right now I am not able to do that. I try, by giving out words and advice as to what I think is correct based off my own experiences, and emotions, but sometimes I don't know how to respond to other's stories or issues. I need to be able to be ready, and confident in everything that I am going to say. I don't ever want to let others down, but sometimes I really do not know! That is why college is the best option.
Anyone with ambition, tenacity, determination, and love within their soul can truly accomplish anything, and that is what I am certain of! Like one of my favorite philosophers has said, "Be the change you want to see in the world"! That is what I am trying to live for. That is what has inspired the blog name, and my motivation to try and make a change.
I want to be able to educate the world on the abuse children, teens, and even adults are experiencing everyday, and not knowing or being able to navigate the situation. I always say to speak up, tell the truth because it will help you in the end, but that fear you carry within, is so much more dominant than the confidence you think it takes to say something. But know that in the end you will be free, and be able to chase all your dreams and aspirations.
I hope you all have been enjoying life, and the new school year!
With that, I hope today was better than yesterday, and tomorrow is better than today!
Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you have any question, comments, or concerns. I am always checking my email. Xoxo
Sunday, August 4, 2013
I have not yet fell in love with someone, though I have liked someone with an improbable amount of liking. But I do this thing where I push them away. Or I say things that are unbelievable, and so random, that it makes me someone I know they don't want.
I have recently been working on that! Not pushing away, and working through all my insecurities. I have to let myself be vulnerable, and open, or I will never get the chance to feel, or experience love.
I know that every girl has that secret fairy-tale love that plays through their head. I know I do.
I dream of actually being me without judgement. I dream that I will be infatuated with everything my partner has to offer as a person. I dream that I will be able to be honest, and open with my life. I dream that I will never not want this person. I dream that we will fight for everything, no matter the situation. That no matter what our backgrounds are, no matter the baggage we will fight, because we know that there is potential and that there is love between us. I dream that I will have someone to encourage me on all job dreams and crazy projects, like being an advocate to teens that have been abused. I dream of having someone who can handle my moods because I am one of those teens that were abused.
I dream of a love that almost every girl wants, but this is the real world, not a movie. We have to learn that some people don't have the same courage to fight like you. That some people are more stubborn, or they don't have the same drive, and dedication. Life of love will always be complicated, even when you think you found the one.
I have seen basically everyone in my family fall in love, and fall right back out, or get their hearts broken! It wasn't easy for them. It was painful watching, and if you have ever seen that, you know you never want to feel that. I know that, that is also one of the main reason why I am so close guarded, and don't want to fall in love because I don't want to feel pain. It's not a feeling people want, but sometimes to grow as people, and keep our humanity, and moral ways intact we have to experience those feelings.
Love is something I am always seeking, but so desperately hiding from!
I think the saying, "There is fine line between love and hate," is a true statement. I see couples who are genuinely happy, but they fight like they hate that person with every fiber in their bodies. But that is the "baggage" when you love someone so much.
Love will be a wonderful, exciting, dangerous, nerve racking experience for anyone no matter how many time they have fallen in love. Let what is suppose to be, be!
If you are girl, or even a guy, that has been through a similar situation of abuse, dropping your guard won't be easy. I know exactly what that feels like! So here is my advice for you, become their friend before their partner. Get to know them, take your time, slowly open up, so that they can completely understand you.
I am doing that, taking it slow with whoever the person I may have potential feelings for, and work from there. If we just breath, know that we are strong independent human beings, then you can accomplish anything, even LOVE!
With that, I hope today was better than yesterday, and tomorrow is better than today!
Email me: email@example.com
Friday, August 2, 2013
But that isn't always the best. When I was at the end of my sophomore year, beginning year of my junior year, everything started to change. I started opening up to others, and things seemed better the more I talked about it. I was healing by expressing my thoughts, and my feelings about it. Then I decided to take a little visit to a wonderful young lady, and she helped me bring a wonderful club on campus to spread awareness of abuse to others at school!
And at one of our youth events, I heard a story that changed my life. I started a blog, and I am now a featured blogger for her website. Honestly, that is a dream, blessing, and more than anything I could have ever asked for. And behind everything that seems to go wrong in our day to day lives, we forget to look at the little things that make our lives have happiness and joy!
It's always hard to get past the negative things. I have been there, and it scares me when I do have my days. Because when I do have those days, I feel like I am back at square one, then I have to remember all my progress, and know that I am stronger than that, and I am stronger than my abuse, and I can make it through anything.
As can any one of you!
I just want everyone to have the life they deserve, and to have love and peace in their hearts, and in their souls.
With that, I hope today was better than yesterday, and tomorrow is better than today!
Email me: firstname.lastname@example.org
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Friday, July 26, 2013
Majority of the time, saying what ever the problem is, is what conflicts us the most, and it is the hardest thing to do. Though, lying never got anyone anywhere. "The truth will set you free!". The truth will always be the right path. It will bring you good karma.
I have always known that lying was bad. But an occasional white lie I thought would never hurt anyone. But then I looked at myself and my perception on what I want from another human being, and that is not a lie. I do not want someone to tell me a lie, even if it's a white little lie. I want the truth, always. I know that everyone else in this world wants the truth! Sometimes it may be hard to hear, but it will definitely benefit us in the end.
I kept a lie for a really, really long time. A lie that was endangering my life. If I didn't say some quickly, and fast enough, I could have risked it for others in my family of being a victim! That I would not be able to handle.
I will tell you the truth, as I always have. I lied to the cops the first time they came to my house. I told them everything was great and my life was perfect, and I had everything I wanted. I said anything that would get them off my case, and anything they would believe.
I suffered the consequence of bad karma when I lied.
Months went by. The cops came and went. Everything was "settled", at least I thought it was. Then "IT" happened again!
I knew that lying was a bad idea, and I suffered the consequence, but I know also that it wasn't my fault. I knew that it was God giving me a second chance to set things right so He could help me find the right path.
If something serious is happening in your life, don't be afraid to confide in someone, never know when their help will save your life, or make your day better!
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
I don't know about most of you, but I know that I do not do well with confrontation, and situations that have so much negativity. I am a very sweet person, but I am human just like anyone else. I get angry. I get frustrated.
I now know how to handle those situations, but before, I felt like I had no control over my emotions, and how to handle them. So I talked to a professional. She was the sweetest lady. She asked me a series of questions, like, "What do you like to do for fun? What triggers you to get angry so quickly? Have you ever tried to handle your emotions? Try to calm yourself down?" and last, but not least, she asked, "Have you ever tried journaling whenever you get angry, or upset, or even when you are happy?" I answered all her questions honestly. And when I responded to her last question, that I did not journal, she was shocked. She also had a huge smile across her face. It was like she knew the solution to my problem. She stood up, walked over to a drawer, and handed me a spiraled notebook, and said "I know it's not a real 'journal' but it will do the trick for now." she continued and said, "For the next week I want to go home and journal. Whenever you feel frustrated, bothered, annoyed, upset, or HAPPY, write it down. Express it in your own words. This your place, your privacy, let how you really feel down on this paper, and when you come back tell me how it worked!"
Of course the next week I went back feeling a lot better than I did the week before. I continued to journal everyday, and when things started getting better, I noticed I would journal less. It really helped me. It let me get out all my true emotions. It let me, be ME! I could say all the things I couldn't to someone else. The anger got easier to control, because I knew that if I just breathed, and walked away, I could write it down. Say what I wanted to say and make peace with that.
There are other ways to try and handle your anger, you can work out, swim, dance, meditate, anything that releases that negative energy, do it!
I hope that this how connected to you, and that it has helped you in some way!
With love, Xoxo!
Monday, July 15, 2013
The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.
If this sounds too mystical, refer again to the body. Every significant vital sign- body temperature, heart rate, oxygen consumption, hormone level, brain activity, and so on- alters the moment you decide to do anything… decisions are signals telling your body, mind, and environment to move in a certain direction.”
― Deepak Chopra, The Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions of Your Life
Thursday, June 20, 2013
No matter what you are doing, if it seems adventurous to you, then you are living. Isn't that what we are suppose to be doing while we are here on earth for this short while? Living our lives to the fullest? Taking chances? Or risk? I'm not talking breaking the law, I mean seeing the world, sky diving, driving a race car, attending concerts, fall in and out of love, failing at something, but trying to accomplish it again and again. Life is full of stressful things, and it's hard, and it is over bearing at times, but the fact that you are here on earth, alive, take a moment and be spontaneous!!
I want everyone to cherish the good things that they have in their lives. Take the positive things that you have encountered, and use that to hold on to your hope, and the negative that is happening in your life, use it as motivation. Motivation to succeed and to prove everyone wrong. Then show the world your spontaneous adventures, with your head held high, and a beautiful, radiant smile. You are worth ALL the spontaneous in the world!
It's summer, so enjoy your vacation with spontaneous adventures, and with your friends and family.
Until next time,
Email @: email@example.com
Monday, June 10, 2013
I am constantly seeing change in this world. Where there is negativity, there is always the positive outcome taken from the situation.
Take a sunburn for example. Your skin is burnt, and it hurts, but in the end you get a beautiful, and natural tan as your outcome, and you look glowing!
I take my experience, and treat it like a sun burn. It hurt, and it blistered a little, but with a little care, I am receiving a wonderful glowing tan. They never tell you that after that horrible sun burn, and you get that wonderful glow, that you gain confidence, and assurance that life will go on, and you will prosper and gain so much! I know I am learning more and more everyday.
I learned, that when you have a negative aspect on life, when you are trying to deal with life, and your home situation, life is hard, and you have no confidence, no glow. You don't want that. You don't deserve that. You deserve all the glow in the world. But trust me when I say the sunburn only last for a little while.
In your eyes, in your own perception of the situation, your thoughts are only negative. How can I move on from this? How can I change for the better, when I have nothing left to gain? When I feel nothing? When I have no hope left?
Listen to me, you have EVERYTHING to gain! Everything. You have your whole life. You go to college, meet new people, change your whole world because you're finally on your own! You get to have fun, and fall in and out of love. Be crazy, wild, outgoing, loving, trusting, all the things you didn't think you could be before.
You have everything gain. You can graduate, get a wonderful job, and a new home, and husband, start a family, and learn to feel all those wonderful feelings, the glowing tan, that's right beneath you. All of this should give you hope. Hope that you can make it out of this negative situation, and you can become something so wonderful in life. That you can make the best of your sun burn, and gain your glowing tan. Because you know what? You deserve it! That tan will suit you, and you will learn to have the confidence, and assurance I know you have buried deep with in your body, mind, and soul. You will be everything you set your mind too.
So just breath, and know everything will be okay!
Email me @:
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
But when am I not thinking a lot?
I am trying to see things, that cannot yet be seen. It's a difficult vision, because it's blurry, and unclear. I wish I could see what is in store for me. What am I suppose to do in this world? What should I major in? Where should I move? Who should I trust? Will I graduate college? Will I ever get married, or fall in love? Will there ever be clear days where I don't over think my life, and the struggles I am facing?
I have always had the tenacity to move forward no matter what. I just wish sometimes, things would be more clear. But I don't get that. I get a mind that is always running, thinking, over analyzing, depicting every scenario.
I am always trying to think of new ways that could potentially make a difference in the world, though sometimes, I need to take time to look at myself, and how I can make a difference in my own life.
Two of my really good friends, one is actually a family member, are leaving away for college. They will be three and half hours away, and tonight they went shopping for their dorm things. I went along with them, and I realized that I don't know what I am going to do without them, or who I will be with out them. I guess that is all part of trying to find yourself.
Trying to find yourself is pretty difficult, and can be over bearing some days. I just want to be me, and I don't even know who that is. I don't think we ever find ourselves completely. Though we do come pretty close.
I know that I come off shy, and closed off, or in other people's eyes, rude, but I am not. That's my guard, and I don't know how to change it. I have let them down, but not for everyone.
Sharing my story to the world, to you, that a big chunk of my wall that is torn down, and that scares me everyday.
You know to be honest, I am a strange, weird, person, but I am also loving, caring, and strong willed. I am open about a lot of things once you get to know me, and that could shock you. I like to talk about everything. Everything is interesting. Everything has a story, or something behind it. Just like life.
I guess I just want to try and find me, and try and be that person to the best of my ability.
I hope everyone is doing well in the world. I hope everyone is enjoying their summer, and vacation. I know I am!
I love you all so much, thank you for being amazing supporters!
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Recently I have had a ton of things happen in my life. I have had relaxation, and fun times. Got to spend time with friends, and learn things I never knew. I have received much need family time, and I have had some very weird and crazy dreams post graduation.
I have grown so much as person in the last couple of days. I think adulthood, and college are going to suit me well. Much better than high school. I have really been thinking about my future, and the person I am. I am very excited to start learning about all the things possible
I am excited for my life to begin. I know it will be scary at times, and things are going to be hard, but I have had worse I am certain of. I know that I will need guidance, and I will need advice to help me through my life. But that is life. We live and learn, with or with out guidance. I have had the absolute pleasure to have had that early on in my life. I am so thankful and blessed for everything in my life.
I have found my true friends, and I have started to find who I truly am on the inside. My confidence has gained so much, and I feel unbelievably happy and content with my life.
I think knowing that I am going to be my own person in this big world is the most fascinating thing ever. I know there will always be judgment, but this is a new way, and start on life.
I am thrilled to begin.
I am ecstatic to be quite honest.
This blog has given me so much hope, and has been a huge part in gaining my inner confidence. I have heard many stories from others, and I have received so much wisdom from them. Their words are kind, beautiful, and angelic. They give me confidence as well. That I can accomplish anything in the world that I set my mind to.
So I thank you all again for given me the confidence I need to continue to be the strong, confident girl.
My abuse has not only educated me on who I am, but it has educated me on what I am suppose to do in this world. It has educated others as well, and from what others tell me, inspire. Inspiration to tell their stories and to start helping them selves. That give me the greatest joy in the world.
I am loving the inboxes and I hope that I continue to receive more emails from others.
So today remember, HOPE, LOVE, and DETERMINATION can give you great happiness, and wonderful satisfaction! I hope that your story can inspire others, the way mine has hopefully inspired you.
Enjoy the summer, be safe, and have fun!
Thursday, May 30, 2013
I don't think people take into consideration that this is the hardest thing for me to do. Talking about my abuse. It is NOT easy. It is also not something I am using to "gain" something from it. And who ever thinks that I am using it in a personal greedy way, then that's your opinion, but how dare you think that. This is my personal life, and I am taking risk and limits, to help spread awareness about sexual, and emotional abuse. I have a difficult time sharing, but I do it for a better cause and reason.
I never expected it grow to six other countries, and to have our local newspaper do a interview. I got that interview because I APPLIED to a scholarship, and I won! They wanted to know my story.
And if for some reason that article has upset you in any way then I'm sorry for you, not the article. I am not sorry for sharing my story. My story is helping people around the world. My story, is helping grown adults, children, teens, ect... and if are upset, jealous, angry, or any other negative emotion, about my blog, all you have to do it not read it. This is a place for positive reinforcement from negative situations.
With that, I hope you all continue to read, and support me. I hope that I am helping all of you in some way or another. I will always be here for questions, comments, or concerns. All you have to do is email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Thank you everyone for your patients, and understanding. I will be writing later on tonight! I love you all.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Life has gone by so fast. With many ups and downs. I am not ashamed, or regretful for what my life has held so far. I have learned so much in the short four years of high school.
And today, Monday, May 27, 2013, am so amazed to say that I made the front page of the Porterville Recorder for overcoming, and preserving my obstacles. I thank everyone who reads everyday and continues to support and love my blog.
I know I don't blog everyday, but I hope that when I do blog, everyone enjoys what they read!
I hope everyone was safe after graduation. If you went to parties, or out with friends you were careful and attentive to your surroundings. I know I was careful, but had tons of fun!
The senior class this generation will do amazing things, I can feel it! Your dreams may start small, with high expectations, but with determination, that small dream will be huge, and you will grow and accumulate expectations you did not think you had!
I am happy to have graduated with people that I did, but I am happier to start my life, in college, and as an adult.
I hope that my determination can help my small dream with expectations, become a reality!!
Thank you again everyone!!!
Email me with anything: Questions, concerns, comments, ect... : email@example.com
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
I am honestly scared for what the future holds, but I know with good faith, hard determination, and willingness to succeed, I can make my journey worth while.
I have had a lot of people in my high school career that have impacted me in so many ways. For the good, and for the bad! It's so amazing to have people in your life who you can learn from, no matter the situation.
Because of my expierence in high school, I learned that I can face anything with respect, honesty, and responsibility! I have had so many memories, and situations in my high school time, and I am so happy they happened. I am such a better person because of them.
I made the biggest decision of my life because of high school.
I sit here writng to people around the world, because of high school.
I have learned love, and heartbreak, because of high school.
I found my true friends, and my fake friends, because of high school.
The majority of my life has been shaped because of high school. Though our life journey is not over, though our high school one is, and with that said, I feel so unbelievably blessed, and lucky to have gone to my high school, and met the people that I met, and to be graduating with the class of 2013!
I wish everyone luck on their endevors in life, whether it's college, or working, may you live a long, happy life. Know that I am always going to keep you in my hearts, because with out you all, I don't know where I would be today, or how life would be.
So thank you, and be safe at grad-nite, and let's get ready to graduate with all our love, and excitement!!!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
I want to be able to trust someone, and confide in them. I want to have the comfort of being myself and all that am with another person. I am ready. I know now that life will always have difficulties, we can't stop that. But we can try to make the best out of every situation.
I have this friend and he tells me "Trying is always the start of success!" and he's right! It is.
This may seem so litte to some of those who are reading, but this is a huge for me.
I told my mom in the car this evening that I think I am really ready for a relationship, and her response was, "Your ready to get your heart broken? You need to be prepared for every outcome. Because forever is not always certain." And I thought about all of that. I have had my heart broken, may be not by "true love" but by the love of a parent, and I am sure I can survive any emotional difficulties.
I mean there's a million teenagers out there that can relate with what I mean emotional difficulties. Everyday we are trying to find our selves. Who are we suppose to be in this world? And that can take a toll on us. Especially us teenagers who are graduating here a couple of weeks! I know that I am so nervouse to be thrown out into the real world, but most of us have conquered so much reality with our own lives, we can handle what the world wants to throw at us when we no longer have that "fall back" on our parents. & What I mean by that is, they are going to teach us responsibility, and honest morals about life. They will teach us that we can't always get what we want, but we can always strive for it. They won't always be there to help pay a late bill, but will be there to guide us on the beginnings of money management.
So I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I don't want a perfect love, I want a real one, with emotion, trust, comfortablity, and someone to face the life of uncertainty with. Some to conquer the world with. Everything is complicated, especially love, and why not have a special somone right along side with you helping you fight your fears, and hardships.
Remember, persevere thorugh every hardship, and have faith that outcome will be beneficial to you in the end!
Saturday, May 11, 2013
She also focused on how make-up covers our natural beauty. And that is where I really connected. I connected so much I think because I love my make up. I use my make-up as a shield. I hide behind it. I don't find my natural beauty attractive one bit. I have been this way since I was a little girl, and knew how to apply make-up on my face. I would see these beautiful women on television and think that thier make-up was absolute perfection.
I then would base my beauty off thier's. I would try to match my face to thier's. Nothing about it was positive. If anything, I was hurting my natural beauty, and my skin by putting the make-up on. But at the time, and even 'til this day, I feel like the make-up helps my beauty. My whole face changes. With make-up the shape of face, my nose, and eyes all change in my opinion, and when I don't have make-up on I feel like I look horrible. Like a ghost, or like I got hit by a train.
So when I was listening to her speech, I realized that I need to come to term with my bauty. Because I have already found my inner beauty. I just have to accept what's on the outside. Whether it's what people find beautiful or what they don't have find beautiful. I know I'm not the most gorgeous girl in the whole world, but I know I'm not ugly either.
I guess this is where the phrase, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." comes into play, and it's true. And one day, I will have someone see my outter and inner beauty, and find both absolutely amazing. I know now by her presentation and talk to the class that I need to really focus on myself, and the way I feel about me. I need to find the good place in my mind, because my negative perception on my natural beauty has to change. How can someone find me beautiful, if I don't find myself beautiful?
Beauty will always be a challenge for girls, because society makes it so hard to find acceptance. But know girls, and even guys that you are beautiful, and you are amazing, no matter what anyone else says. Have confidence in what you look like, because your beauty is phenominal, and incredible!
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
I was the queen of that! Everything that happen, that was not the most positive thing, was because of my abuse, or how it affected my life. Nothing was because life was life. Everything was blamed on my situation. I never had the realization, that reality was reality, and I had to face day to day issues with realization, and the understanding that life is not easy, and never will be.
There will be good days, and have easy moments, but you have to realize that those moments don't last forever. We have to deal with life and the obstacles that are thrown at us.
I know days we feel weak, and wonder what's the point. I've been there. What is the point of it? The point is to do good by yourself, not by others. Be happy. Preserve. Succeed. Become something no one would ever imagine YOU could become.
If you want to be famous, try, but try hard. It's difficult, but if you have the audacity, and the determination to be just that, then you can do it. You are strong, amazing, and extraordinary! Being you can take you places. Let people love you for you, and have your soul be pure, with honesty. Let your voice be heard, and let you be important to others.
"All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you." - Walt Disney
(Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/obstacles.html#qf48e7vAERWOfRfL.99 )
Remember my email is still available for questions, comments, or anything you'd like to tell me!
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Though, I will give you one piece of advice, guys will always find girls complicated, and girls will always find guys complicated. So, what is the solution? COMMUNICATION! Talk with one another. You may fear rejection, or fear the word no, but you forget and forgive. Move on, there are a million, actually billion of fish in the sea, and one day you will catch the best fish on your lucky hook.
So if today you are struggling, if you are upset, if you are having a bad day, even if you're having a good day write it down, and let the paper know exactly how you are feeling. Do it in a private place, never know when you may get over emotional and tears start to stream. I know I have experienced that. I know it helped me feel a whole let better, and I am pretty positive it can help you start to feel better.
"The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be." -Horace Bushnell
Monday, April 29, 2013
Living in today's society is so hard. So many judging, so many different expectation, all while dealing with your inner thoughts and emotions.
Some control the exterior look better than others. I was so scared to tell my story at first because I did not want to be judge, and looked at differently. Then I had an sudden mental break through, and I gave it my all.
It all started with this semesters civic service project. What can you do to change the world? I originally wanted to do my project on sexual education. I wanted to talk about facts, and opinions, and different outlooks on what they thought about the ordeal. Then I started reading the facts on sexual assaults, and the statistics on how many teens do not speak out about their issues, and their abuse. I suddenly felt this feeling, this urge that I needed to do that. Then come to it, it's something I really enjoy doing!
We should always see the positive side of every situation. Being negative can be a huge asset while digging a huge whole of emotions. We need to see the bright side of things. No matter what the situation is you can get through it. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Even if the tunnel is a million miles long. It may seem so dark, with no sight of what the future may hold, but if you have faith, and hope, that will conquer all the fear, and sadness that you may be feeling at the time.
You are all incredibly beautiful, and have such amazing souls. So hold on to all the hope, and faith and you will get out of the dark hole, and you will persevere and prosper into amazing beings.
-"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience!"-Unknown
Friday, April 26, 2013
The shock, grief, and powerful sadness that we felt as family was unbearable. I remember staying at my grandma's the night of the accident. My aunt and my cousins that drove from Burney made it down very quickly. I was waken by my cousin Lillian. I told her that it felt like a dream. That none of this was real and that when I wake up I'll be at grandma's house with my grandpa ready to make my bowl of Lucky Charms cereal, like he always did when I would stay the night. He was almost faithful about it. Then he would ask me what I wanted to do that day, and if there was anything I really wanted. I felt nothing would change. I didn't understand the severity of death. How permanent it was! I didn't cry for four whole days. On the fifth day, was the funeral. I only been to one other funeral prior to my grandpa's. I broke completely down, and I had no control over my devastation. It was uncontrollable, and it hurt.
My family was affected tremendously, and things changed drastically. I couldn't control anything at this point. I was only twelve. My knowledge to others viewed very low. I was just a kid. But I was a kid with a broken heart.
I remember my grandpa had hurt his shoulder, I think it was broken, and we were swimming. He was so tall he could touch in the deep in. And so all the kids wanted grandpa to throw them off his shoulders. All the kids went, and finally it was my turn, and i jump off his shoulders, and into the deep in. As I came up for air, my grandpa was hopping out of the pool. His shoulder was hurt again, and really bad. He could no longer throw us off his shoulders. The point is that he was such a wonderful grandfather, with a broken shoulder, and still he would put us before him, and gave us what we needed and what we wanted.
He was the most amazing man anyone could have ever met. He was loud, funny, a wonderful dancer (haha), and he had such a beautiful and angelic soul. He was a family man. Everything he did in his life was for his family. In one way or another.
Everyone in our family handled the grief differently. That was the first real change that happened in our lives. It was devastating, and unbearable. But we grew from my grandpa's death. As a family most importantly. We make sure we talk to each other everyday, and tell each other we love you, no matter what the situation is. Never go to bed mad or angry at one another.
So tomorrow, as I get ready for my very first prom, I know that my grandpa will be with me through spirit and my love for him. And I will be sharing my beautiful night with him, celebrating his birthday!
I love you grandpa and I miss you everyday, all the time. I wish you were here to see me graduate high school, and get all these scholarships. I have accomplished so much since my incident, and you were a huge impact on that. Everyday I would tell myself that this is for grandpa, and he would be proud! So I hope you were with me today receiving my scholarship, and I hope you are with me tomorrow, and everyday after that. Guiding me, and leading me down a path that will be correct for not only my future, but for our family's as well. I love you so much!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
I am always trying. Pushing myself for more, and more. Having determination to get somewhere in life. But I have my days where that's not the case.
My determination lacks, and my self perserverance is at a low. I just want to lay, and think. Mostly over analyze, every situation.
Those may think, "Wow, she has crazy mood swings!" Go ahead and think that because some days I have those thoughts as well. But I'm a changing eighteen year old girl with hormones, and victimless thoughts about the past.
Some people put their feelings in a journal, diary, on their phone, heck some even put it on social networking sites. I know I've been on to do all of that, but blogging is new to me. I have really learned a lot from it. Hearing others responses, their feelings and experiences, and when that happens, all the craziness, all the 'mess' that's going on in my life seems to fade away because I feel I could have it worse, and that I am being selfish. I'm a person who is always wanting to help others, in any way possible.
What's really ironic is that it is so very difficult for me to recieve help from others. Espically if I don't know them, but with my blog I have learned to accept the help, and to embrace all the love.
So today I created a special email for questions, advice, to tell your story, whatever it may be. I will check it daily and respond with the best of my ability. The email address is firstname.lastname@example.org
I have really appriciated all the feed back, so this is my way to try and give back! You all have been amazing reading daily, and connecting with me. Encouraging me to tell more and open myself with my abuse, and how I over came it. So thank you, thank you, thank you!
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Yesterday afternoon, I gave my sister some news that I had recieved a few days past. She was so happy for me, and she looked so proud. I never really seen that before. And then she asked me something that made me feel worthy, and proud to have her as my sister. She said, "Can I tell my part of the story with you one day? Or maybe even a few times?" It made me so happy that she wanted to do this. I am beyond proud of my sister.
We are just like any other sisters. We argue, and fight, but we always make up. But we also can be friends who get along great, and share the moments, like yesterday, together. She always, and I mean always, is giving me advice, and giving me assurance when I am not to confident. I never really tell her that I appreciate that. To be honest most of the advice she has given me, I have taken. It's over the world how influencial and how inspiring my sister is. But she is also older than me, so she has a little more experience.
So I have a plan with my sister. I want her to tell her side of the story. Because I think that we have so much to tell. For example, yesterday, she told me some of her story. And I never knew we had the same feelings. And our feelings may seem confusing to you guys, but to us they make perfect sense to us. Like, the love we had for him, but the hate for the action he did. People don't understand that he was there our whole life. Raising us, providing for us, doing things that a dad should be doing. We confided in him. Those feeling are normal for a child to have, when they see someone as their father figure.
I have been able to reflect on my own life, and I see my sister reflecting on her own. And I see her now. She has a beautiful daughter, and a wonderful dad to her baby. They are happy, and they are growing with one another, and learning. They are becoming something I wish to have in the future.
I see my sister, and it truly gives me hope. It brings tears to my eyes to see my sister so happy, and those are tears of joy, and happiness. She is the best mother, and the best sister, and daughter. She and I will grow closer I am sure. The more I become mature, and learn from her.
I am excited that she is part of my future, and possibly my success! I don't think I would have it any other way. She will inspire, just as much as me, if not more!
Together we will fight through our hardships, and our fears. We will inspire, and educate the world with our personal knowledge, and experience!
There is so much more in our future, both together, and personally.
So today I tell you that your bigger sister can teach you so much about your own experience, about life, how to handle situations, so appreciate everything they do, because they do it for a reason. Their reason may not seem like it makes sense to you, but it will work out in the end.
I love you Big Sister! You are amazing, and I want to thank you for the talk yesterday, and for all the things you have helped me with! You amaze me everyday. And know I appreciate everything. I love you!
-Live life today with appreciation, and love. You never know what tomorrow holds.
Friday, April 19, 2013
It boggles my mind that therer are souls out there that manipulate others to take advantage of them. For what reason? To have control? To feel empowered? I still to this day don't understand. I don't think I ever will. But I know that it has to be a mental issue. Because we have "normal" men/women out there that don't abuse children, or anyone for that matter. So the question remains, and will always remain, why?
I shared my theory of the mental issues, but in my case, my abuser knew what was wrong, and what was right. He would tell me, if anyone tries to touch you with out permission, call the cops, or tell me and I will handle it. It never really clicked in my head, that what he was doing was "unwanted" and "unpermissioned" touching and the technicalities of everything confused me. I had no idea what was right, and wrong with him, but I knew it was wrong with other people.
I had times where I would feel uncomfortable, but I still didn't understand. I thought it was normal. I thought that was how he showed his love toward me and my sisters.
One night, he got drunk. My cousin and I went to the restroom. And I remember him kicking me out the bathroom. Better yet he threw me out of the bathroom. I remember that I waited outside the bathroom door, knowing exactly what was going on, on the inside. So he came out, and I looked at her. She was scared, and sad. I kept asking her, "What happened? Did he do something to you?" She just kept telling me, "If I tell you your whole family will be ruined. It wouldn't be whole. I can't tell you. I told him I wouldn't."
I made the situation a big deal. She would run away from, but I would chase her. She eventually locked her self away from, and I let it go. At least I let her think that. The next morning I acted as if nothing happened. But I still remembered, and I thought long and hard about it.
Then I just gave up. Why? Because I felt it would mean nothing if I said something. I felt as if I didn't have enough proof. I also felt that I underestimated his sense of control and manipulation.
I moved on with my life, and lived it just like everyday before. It probably wasn't a good idea, but looking back it was the best decision I ever made. I am a different person. I am person who wants to change the world, one person at a time, or a group at a time.
So today I leave you with, be loving to one another, and open your eyes for those you love around you. You never know what could be happening behind a closed door. Looks can be deceiving...
- 44 percent of sexual assault victims are under age 18.
- Someone in the US is sexually assaulted every 2 minutes.
- 1 out of every 6 women in America has been the victim of an attempted or rape in her lifetime.
- Sexual assault is the most under-reported violent crime in the U.S. Only 46 percent of sexual assaults have been reported over the past 5 years.
- Two-thirds of assaults are committed by someone the victim knows.
- Girls ages 16 to 19 are four times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault.
- 5 percent of males in grades 9-12 said they have been sexually abused.
- 93 percent of juvenile sexual assault victims know their attacker.
- Victims of sexual assault are 26 times more likely to abuse drugs. And 13 times more likely to abuse alcohol.
- 1 in 33 American men have experienced attempted rape or rape in their lifetime.
- There are 207,754 victims (age 12 or older) of rape and sexual assault every year
I got these facts from: http://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-sexual-assault
Visit this site for more information and educate yourself about sexual abuse!
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Recently, I have found out that I have won the A.C.S.A recognition, and also I'm the district awardee. Meaning I will not only get the recognition, but I will be receiving a scholarship. This has been one of the biggest accomplishment I have had this year, aside from getting accepted to a four year university. I am so happy that life has given me these opportunities to prosper and to succeed. I am ready to be better, and I am ready to embrace the change that is about to happen in just a few short months. I am about to enter the real world, and college. I am about to experience this new chapter in my life that will be one of the most memorable moments. I am so blessed.
Whether I choose to move away, or stay here in town, I know that I will succeed and become something so wonderful!
I have faith that things will continue to change for the better. I know that God works in mysterious ways, and my way happens to be a great, postive, and mysterious way. I enjoy and look forward for what he has plan for me and my life and my future.
And I know he will continue to put people in my life, to help me grow, and to help shape the person I am going to be. I love the people I have in my life, that are new, continuous, or old. It's been a pleasant experience with all of them! I wouldn't change that for anything.
Everything happens for a reason, and there was a reason for my abuse and my overcoming it. My reason was to share, and educate others and inspire them.
So remember, look at all the positive outcomes of every situation. Because you will grow and be fabulous! <3
Sunday, April 14, 2013
They eventually went away. I distracted myself with other obstacles, and projects. That really helped me, it made the nightmares go away.
Last night, (4-13/14-2013) I had a nightmare, for the first time in a while! It was so real, so vivid, and it scared me.
It felt like everything was happening all over again. When I have these dreams its hard for me to move on in my day. I put on the fake smile, pretend that the dream never happened, but last nights dream was to much... Today I replay that dream.. It's not a great idea that I do this, but I can't help it.
This is completely normal for a victim of abuse, but not many people express their nightmares to anyone, and that is what eats at their emotions, and their mind.
Today I woke up, scared, but happy that it was only a dream! I realized that I was in my house, and I was with my family that cared so much about me.
Though, I couldn't face going to church. The nightmare took so much energy from me, I was so tired, and exhausted I just couldn't go. I stayed in bed for a while, but couldn't go back to sleep. I was too afraid that I would be seeing the same dream.
So I made the decision to talk about my nightmare...
It was the same dream that I had a million other times.
I was in the shower. In our laundry room. It was mid-day, and I stayed home from school. I wasn't feeling well. I decided that a nice hot shower would help with my upset stomach. I'd only been in the shower for about 10 minutes,when he entered. I thought maybe he was changing the laundry, or throwing something in the trash. Little did I know he was in there for me. I didn't know how to react. He did what he did, and left the room. I was left in shock, and horror. I could not stop the crying. It was uncontrollable. I felt my pain, and my suffering through my dream, and it woke me up in cold sweat and tears. I gathered my thoughts, and my reality.
I think this dream happened because I have been digging in my past for the last week, to write this blog and to give everyone my story. I know this won't be the last nightmare I have, but I hope it's the last one for a while.
Everyday people are being sexually abused, and or overcoming their assault. Nightmares are part of the healing process. They will come and go, but we get over it and we prosper into beautiful flowers!
Saturday, April 13, 2013
The day I told her, wasn't a bad day. A week later, that's when it was the start for the worse. She cried, and cried. I noticed that she started to drink more and more everyday. Soon, it looked like the alcohol and the beer was her "water". That was hard. To see my mom drinking. She was the person I needed the most, and I felt like I couldn't have all of her.
Now my mother is a year and half sober, and she is the best mother any girl could ask for! She's open minded, she's loving, and actually cares, and tries to understand what is going on in my life... I love her, and she doesn't understand that she is my absolute best friend, because she gets more details in stories then my actual friends.
I am thankful for my mom being an alcholic. Crazy, right? Yeah I know. But she met someone who help changed our lives. He helped us find God, and get on the right path with our lives. She is so happy and when he comes home from work she has this sparkle in her eye, and I know that everything will be alright.
My mom and I have prosperred from this experience, together. She is sober, and I am stronger. There is so much in life that we have recently got to experience together. She knows about my first real crush. She knows my feelings and she knows my mood just by looking at me. Two years ago I would have never imagined my life like this with her.
We went through this situation together, and because it happen to her kids, I think it brought a lot of old memories back to her. But we know how to handle them now, and we know that we can only get stronger from this. Everyday we are growing and I thank God, for giving me this obstical. He knew that advocating, and educating others was a purpose in my life and now I am achieving that goal!
So today I thank my abuser, I thank my mom, my family, and I thank God!
Friday, April 12, 2013
About a week later, the police showed up at our house. They wanted to talk to all of us individually. I was watching my sister with the cop. She was crying. Was she telling the truth? What is she saying? I felt like I needed to know her lie, so mine could be similar. I needed guidance, but the cop didn't allow us to talk. Once she was done, it was my turn.
He took me across the street from my house, to his cop car, and began the interview. Do you no why I am here? What really is going on? I suggest you don't lie to me, because I can help you. I lied to him. Every question he asked, I lied. Except for one!
He said, "Do you love your little sister?"
And I responded, "Yes, more than anything!"
He replied with, "Just remember, what you told me determines her future."
That hit me hard. I have never told anyone that. But it constantly plays in my mind. I guess I didn't really understand what that meant at the time. Now I do. He was telling me that if I didn't tell someone the truth now, it would soon happen to her. I could NEVER imagine if that happen to her. I would go crazy, and defend her so quickly. More than anyone. A lot of my focus is on my little sister. If anything horrible happens to her, that was similar to my abuse, I would lose my mind. She is my heart and soul, though we are just like any couple of sisters.
Few weeks later, we started the beginning to our end.
Court started, and we were subpoenaed to go. The first time, we went wasn't that scary. We didn't see him in the court room.
The second time, so nerve racking! I almost cried. He was there. His hair was starting to grow out. He had a blank expression and he didn't look our way once. That petrified me! I couldn't believe this was happening. I thought I'd never have to experience this. I thought my life would end up differently and my life would be amazing, and I would achieve all my dreams and goals, like being an actress, or model, but with what I was experiencing at the time, those dreams were shot. Every dream and goal.
Then there was our final court date. That was the worse. They put us in this tiny back room office. Him at one end of the table, then our entire family at the other. It felt like we were in that room for a lifetime. The judge talking, the lawyers talking, none of it making sense to this 15 year old girl. I held my sister's friend's hand so tight, her hand was purple. The only thing I heard was "... will be sentenced to 10 years in prison..." the rest was a blur. I couldn't stop thinking, how can a man, that molested five girls, get only ten years? That made no sense to me, and it made me angry. I was never an angry person, 'til this time.
I have grown, and prospered, and gained so much knowledge and maturity from this experience. I'm reaching for my goals. I may not be an actress, but I have found new goals and new dreams, and I am determined that my aspirations come true and I become something people told me I could never be!
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Now that I'm older, and have gone through my life experiences, it's became harder.
Relationships were never in my eyes. Personal relationships anyway.
It's hard for me to let others in and trust them.
I felt like I would be judge for what happen to me, and why I didn't say something sooner. I had a hard time. And still it's hard for me. I have recently let someone in, though I'm not sure if it was a good idea. Though I over analyze everything. I could just be having my first real "girl moment". Everyone I talk to tells me to be patient, and that's what I'll be. Patient.
I try to be optimistic when I begin new relationships, but growing up and not wanting to get too close to someone, because I was scared what was happening to me was going happen to them, was difficult. It becomes a habit to not let someone in. Especially the fear of letting them hurt me, whether its unintentional or intentional. Having either as an option petrifies me more than anything.
I have learned that there will be times where you feel everything will work out in your favor, and it will stay that way. I have learned that things will not work out, no matter how hard you try. Things, like relationships, will never be perfect, and it's taken me this long to learn that, and accept it!
I'm stubborn, and I'm very peculiar with the people I let in my life! I have tried to tone it down, and I am much better than before, but I think that my guard will always be up.
Sexual, and emotional abuse takes a toll on someone emotionally, but it doesn't last forever. You grow, but that guard, that wall that you build to protect yourself, will soon crumble. Though it will always remain. It's that old, ancient Greek building, that's starting to disintegrate, but is being supported by support beams. Struggling from the weight of the building. Not sure when it's going to collapse. You almost build your relationship that way. Waiting for the day, for it to collapse.
Recently, I have been given hope. I see my sister with her boyfriend. They are so happy, and they have started a family. She is the happiest I have ever seen her in my entire life and that gives me hope, and faith that God is starting to work on me, and teaching me that I can let people in and I can trust them.
Also I see my mother. She's married. She always told me she would NEVER get married again, but she has found the one she loves the most, and she has genuine love toward her husband, and I know for sure that there is hope for me, and my struggles to find the trust I need in not only in "a man", but in all my personal relationships.
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." -Anais Nin