Music to my Soul

"Putting my defenses up

Cause I don't wanna fall in love

If I ever did that, I think I'd have a heart attack

Never put my love out on the line

Never said yes to the right guy

Never had trouble getting what I want

But when it comes to you I'm never good enough

When I don't care

I can play him like a Ken doll

Won't wash my hair

Then make him bounce like a basketball

But you make me wanna act like a girl

Paint my nails and wear high heels

Yes you make me so nervous that I just can't hold your hand

You make me glow

But I cover up, won't let it show

So I'm putting my defenses up

Cause I don't wanna fall in love

If I ever did that, I think I'd have a heart attack

I think I'd have a heart attack

I think I'd have a heart attack

Never break a sweat for the other guys

When you come around I get paralyzed

And every time I try to be myself

It comes out wrong like a cry for help

It's just not fair

Pains more trouble than love is worth

I gasp for air

It feels so good, but you know it hurts

But you make me wanna act like a girl

Paint my nails and wear perfume

For you, make me so nervous that I just can't hold your hand

You make me glow

But I cover up, won't let it show

So I'm putting my defenses up

Cause I don't wanna fall in love

If I ever did that, I think I'd have a heart attack

I think I'd have a heart attack

I think I'd have a heart attack

The feelings got lost in my lungs

They're burning, I'd rather be numb

And there's no one else to blame

So scared I'll take off and run

I'm flying too close to the sun

And I'll burst into flames

You make me glow

But I cover up, won't let it show

So I'm putting my defenses up

Cause I don't wanna fall in love

If I ever did that, I think I'd have a heart attack

I think I'd have a heart attack

I think I'd have a heart attack

I think I'd have a heart attack

I think I'd have a heart attack" -Demi Lovato

( http://www.lyrics.com/heart-attack-lyrics-demi-lovato.html to see the video with lyrics!)

I put the whole song lyrics because it describes me when it comes to trying to fall in love, or trying to let someone in that I could potentially like. I understand the lyrics. You feel like you have someone, and you really like them, but you only hope you like them, because if you fall in love with them, everything in this world  will change, and so will your whole attitude. So you try and you try but it just doesn't happen. 

I've never fallen in love before. I thought I was close to it once or twice, but it never went any father. I pushed them away. Or they had other plans. I never cried. I never really cared to be honest. And even to this day I feel like that. But when I think about it, or start to think I am feeling it, it makes my entire heart swell, not with joy, but with pain. It literally hurts me to think that I could potentially fall in love, get married, and have a family. 

There is part in the song that goes: 

"You make me glow

But I cover up, won't let it show

So I'm putting my defenses up

Cause I don't wanna fall in love

If I ever did that, I think I'd have a heart attack"

That stanza has so much meaning to me. I mean the lyrics, the words itself, is pretty self explanatory. I put a defense up. And I am absolutely POSITIVE that 99.9% of the boy/guys I have talked to have all gotten that. I do this because I do not want to fall in love. I don't want to be able to trust someone with all my secrets, all my personal baggage, and I am certain that I do not want anything to happen to my children, like what happen to me.

I try very hard for myself to not have those defense mechanisms because they are bad, and they're mean, and they are nasty. They are so subtle, but I have been working a lot with my inner issue on trusting, and I know that one day I will fall in love, and I will be happy, and have my heart fill with, not pain, but with absolute JOY!

So if you are having trouble trusting somebody with all your personal baggage, and that is what's holding you back, know that one day you WILL find someone that you have absolute comfort with, and you will know. Something so deep within you will spring out from the pit of your soul and you will know that you can tell them anything. And when you know that, you will know love, or begin to love.

Love always,

TaylerMarie