Thursday, May 30, 2013

Let's Clear it Up!

So recently I have found that there has been a misunderstanding for my blog. I do my blog for ADVACACY!! To share my story to others, and spread the awareness. To give others hope that they can move on. To show some insight on someone else's story, and life.

I don't think people take into consideration that this is the hardest thing for me to do. Talking about my abuse. It is NOT easy. It is also not something I am using to "gain" something from it. And who ever thinks that I am using it in a personal greedy way, then that's your opinion, but how dare you think that. This is my personal life, and I am taking risk and limits, to help spread awareness about sexual, and emotional abuse. I have a difficult time sharing, but I do it for a better cause and reason.

I never expected it grow to six other countries, and to have our local newspaper do a interview. I got that interview because I APPLIED to a scholarship, and I won! They wanted to know my story.

And if for some reason that article has upset you in any way then I'm sorry for you, not the article. I am not sorry for sharing my story. My story is helping people around the world. My story, is helping grown adults, children, teens, ect... and if are upset, jealous, angry, or any other negative emotion, about my blog, all you have to do it not read it. This is a place for positive reinforcement from negative situations.

With that, I hope you all continue to read, and support me. I hope that I am helping all of you in some way or another. I will always be here for questions, comments, or concerns. All you have to do is email me at:

Thank you everyone for your patients, and understanding. I will be writing later on tonight! I love you all.

Love always,

Monday, May 27, 2013

Post Grad

Graduation was here and now it's gone. Every moment, every step, every word, seemed so unreal. Like the moment was not happening. But it has, and I am very happy!

Life has gone by so fast. With many ups and downs. I am not ashamed, or regretful for what my life has held so far. I have learned so much in the short four years of high school.

And today, Monday, May 27, 2013, am so amazed to say that I made the front page of the Porterville Recorder for overcoming, and preserving my obstacles. I thank everyone who reads everyday and continues to support and love my blog.

I know I don't blog everyday, but I hope that when I do blog, everyone enjoys what they read!

I hope everyone was safe after graduation. If you went to parties, or out with friends you were  careful and attentive to your surroundings. I know I was careful, but had tons of fun!

The senior class this generation will do amazing things, I can feel it! Your dreams may start small, with high expectations, but with determination, that small dream will be huge, and you will grow and accumulate expectations you did not think you had!

I am happy to have graduated with people that I did, but I am happier to start my life, in college, and as an adult.

I hope that my determination can help my small dream with expectations, become a reality!!

Thank you again everyone!!!

Love always,

Email me with anything: Questions, concerns, comments, ect... :

Tuesday, May 21, 2013


Graduation is fast approaching, and it is an amazing feeling. Though leaving does have bitter-sweet taste, I am ready for the next chapter in my life.

I am honestly scared for what the future holds, but I know with good faith, hard determination, and willingness to succeed, I can make my journey worth while.

I have had a lot of people in my high school career that have impacted me in so many ways. For the good, and for the bad! It's so amazing to have people in your life who you can learn from, no matter the situation.

Because of my expierence in high school, I learned that I can face anything with respect, honesty, and responsibility! I have had so many memories, and situations in my high school time, and I am so happy they happened. I am such a better person because of them.

I made the biggest decision of my life because of high school.

I sit here writng to people around the world, because of high school.

I have learned love, and heartbreak, because of high school.

I found my true friends, and my fake friends, because of high school.

The majority of my life has been shaped because of high school. Though our life journey is not over, though our high school one is, and with that said, I feel so unbelievably blessed, and lucky to have gone to my high school, and met the people that I met, and to be graduating with the class of 2013!

I wish everyone luck on their endevors in life, whether it's college, or working, may you live a long, happy life. Know that I am always going to keep you in my hearts, because with out you all, I don't know where I would be today, or how life would be.

So thank you, and be safe at grad-nite, and let's get ready to graduate with all our love, and excitement!!!

Love always,

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

My Growth & Understanding

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog about my hard time with relationships, and trusting someone. But since writing that blog I have really thought about myself and potentially having a relationship and I think I'm ready.

I want to be able to trust someone, and confide in them. I want to have the comfort of being myself and all that am with another person. I am ready. I know now that life will always have difficulties, we can't stop that. But we can try to make the best out of every situation.

I have this friend and he tells me "Trying is always the start of success!" and he's right! It is.

This may seem so litte to some of those who are reading, but this is a huge for me.

I told my mom in the car this evening that I think I am really ready for a relationship, and her response was, "Your ready to get your heart broken? You need to be prepared for every outcome. Because forever is not always certain." And I thought about all of that. I have had my heart broken, may be not by "true love" but by the love of a parent, and I am sure I can survive any emotional difficulties.

I mean there's a million teenagers out there that can relate with what I mean emotional difficulties. Everyday we are trying to find our selves. Who are we suppose to be in this world? And that can take a toll on us. Especially us teenagers who are graduating here a couple of weeks! I know that I am so nervouse to be thrown out into the real world, but most of us have conquered so much reality with our own lives, we can handle what the world wants to throw at us when we no longer have that "fall back" on our parents. & What I mean by that is, they are going to teach us responsibility, and honest morals about life. They will teach us that we can't always get what we want, but we can always strive for it. They won't always be there to help pay a late bill, but will be there to guide us on the beginnings of money management.

So I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I don't want a perfect love, I want a real one, with emotion, trust, comfortablity, and someone to face the life of uncertainty with. Some to conquer the world with. Everything is complicated, especially love, and why not have a special somone right along side with you helping you fight your fears, and hardships.

Remember, persevere thorugh every hardship, and have faith that outcome will be beneficial to you in the end!

Love always,

Saturday, May 11, 2013


I learned a bit this week from a close friend of mine. She, like the rest of us in civics, had to do a project. How she educated others, and tried to change the world. She did her's on body image. She talked about inner beauty, and outter beauty. How no matter what others say, we are all beautiful in our own way.

She also focused on how make-up covers our natural beauty. And that is where I really connected. I connected so much I think because I love my make up. I use my make-up as a shield. I hide behind it. I don't find my natural beauty attractive one bit. I have been this way since I was a little girl, and knew how to apply make-up on my face. I would see these beautiful women on television and think that thier make-up was absolute perfection.

I then would base my beauty off thier's. I would try to match my face to thier's. Nothing about it was positive. If anything, I was hurting my natural beauty, and my skin by putting the make-up on. But at the time, and even 'til this day, I feel like the make-up helps my beauty. My whole face changes. With make-up the shape of face, my nose, and eyes all change in my opinion, and when I don't have make-up on I feel like I look horrible. Like a ghost, or like I got hit by a train.

So when I was listening to her speech, I realized that I need to come to term with my bauty. Because I have already found my inner beauty. I just have to accept what's on the outside. Whether it's what people find beautiful or what they don't have find beautiful. I know I'm not the most gorgeous girl in the whole world, but I know I'm not ugly either.

I guess this is where the phrase, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." comes into play, and it's true. And one day, I will have someone see my outter and inner beauty, and find both absolutely amazing. I know now by her presentation and talk to the class that I need to really focus on myself, and the way I feel about me. I need to find the good place in my mind, because my negative perception on my natural beauty has to change. How can someone find me beautiful, if I don't find myself beautiful?

Beauty will always be a challenge for girls, because society makes it so hard to find acceptance. But know girls, and even guys that you are beautiful, and you are amazing, no matter what anyone else says. Have confidence in what you look like, because your beauty is phenominal, and incredible!

Love Always,

Tuesday, May 7, 2013


Don't blame everything that is negative about yourself on a particular situation that has happened in your life.

I was the queen of that! Everything that happen, that was not the most positive thing, was because of my abuse, or how it affected my life. Nothing was because life was life. Everything was blamed on my situation. I never had the realization, that reality was reality, and I had to face day to day issues with realization, and the understanding that life is not easy, and never will be.

There will be good days, and have easy moments, but you have to realize that those moments don't last forever. We have to deal with life and the obstacles that are thrown at us.

I know days we feel weak, and wonder what's the point. I've been there. What is the point of it? The point is to do good by yourself, not by others. Be happy. Preserve. Succeed. Become something no one would ever imagine YOU could become.

If you want to be famous, try, but try hard. It's difficult, but if you have the audacity, and the determination to be just that, then you can do it. You are strong, amazing, and extraordinary! Being you can take you places. Let people love you for you, and have your soul be pure, with honesty. Let your voice be heard, and let you be important to others.

"All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you."        - Walt Disney
(Read more at )

Love always,

Remember my email is still available for questions, comments, or anything you'd like to tell me!

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Music to my Soul

"Putting my defenses up
Cause I don't wanna fall in love
If I ever did that, I think I'd have a heart attack

Never put my love out on the line
Never said yes to the right guy
Never had trouble getting what I want
But when it comes to you I'm never good enough

When I don't care
I can play him like a Ken doll
Won't wash my hair
Then make him bounce like a basketball

But you make me wanna act like a girl
Paint my nails and wear high heels
Yes you make me so nervous that I just can't hold your hand

You make me glow
But I cover up, won't let it show
So I'm putting my defenses up
Cause I don't wanna fall in love
If I ever did that, I think I'd have a heart attack
I think I'd have a heart attack
I think I'd have a heart attack

Never break a sweat for the other guys
When you come around I get paralyzed
And every time I try to be myself
It comes out wrong like a cry for help

It's just not fair
Pains more trouble than love is worth
I gasp for air
It feels so good, but you know it hurts

But you make me wanna act like a girl
Paint my nails and wear perfume
For you, make me so nervous that I just can't hold your hand

You make me glow
But I cover up, won't let it show
So I'm putting my defenses up
Cause I don't wanna fall in love
If I ever did that, I think I'd have a heart attack
I think I'd have a heart attack
I think I'd have a heart attack

The feelings got lost in my lungs
They're burning, I'd rather be numb
And there's no one else to blame
So scared I'll take off and run
I'm flying too close to the sun
And I'll burst into flames

You make me glow
But I cover up, won't let it show
So I'm putting my defenses up
Cause I don't wanna fall in love
If I ever did that, I think I'd have a heart attack
I think I'd have a heart attack
I think I'd have a heart attack
I think I'd have a heart attack
I think I'd have a heart attack" -Demi Lovato

I put the whole song lyrics because it describes me when it comes to trying to fall in love, or trying to let someone in that I could potentially like. I understand the lyrics. You feel like you have someone, and you really like them, but you only hope you like them, because if you fall in love with them, everything in this world  will change, and so will your whole attitude. So you try and you try but it just doesn't happen. 

I've never fallen in love before. I thought I was close to it once or twice, but it never went any father. I pushed them away. Or they had other plans. I never cried. I never really cared to be honest. And even to this day I feel like that. But when I think about it, or start to think I am feeling it, it makes my entire heart swell, not with joy, but with pain. It literally hurts me to think that I could potentially fall in love, get married, and have a family. 

There is part in the song that goes: 

"You make me glow
But I cover up, won't let it show
So I'm putting my defenses up
Cause I don't wanna fall in love
If I ever did that, I think I'd have a heart attack"

That stanza has so much meaning to me. I mean the lyrics, the words itself, is pretty self explanatory. I put a defense up. And I am absolutely POSITIVE that 99.9% of the boy/guys I have talked to have all gotten that. I do this because I do not want to fall in love. I don't want to be able to trust someone with all my secrets, all my personal baggage, and I am certain that I do not want anything to happen to my children, like what happen to me.

I try very hard for myself to not have those defense mechanisms because they are bad, and they're mean, and they are nasty. They are so subtle, but I have been working a lot with my inner issue on trusting, and I know that one day I will fall in love, and I will be happy, and have my heart fill with, not pain, but with absolute JOY!

So if you are having trouble trusting somebody with all your personal baggage, and that is what's holding you back, know that one day you WILL find someone that you have absolute comfort with, and you will know. Something so deep within you will spring out from the pit of your soul and you will know that you can tell them anything. And when you know that, you will know love, or begin to love.

Love always,

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Curve Balls

Life throws you curve balls. Especially when you are not looking. One minute everything is in your favor, then the next, it hits you and you have the biggest migraine ever.

Every time something good starts to happen, people tell you "See?! I told you something would happen!" They take all the credit, but something totally different happens and it ruins everything. You try really hard for it not to affect anything good in your life, but when it is the one thing in your life that you cannot stop thinking about, it affects every situation.

There are many examples that I could give that are personal, or that my friends have experienced, but I am sure you have your own situations that you can relate too.

When that happens, take a piece of paper and a pen and write it down. When you have your issue, or problem written down, weigh out the pros and the cons. When you have done that fold the piece of paper in half so you can only see the pros. Study them for a minute. See all the positivity from that particular controversy has, and realize that is good, and you CAN move on. Know that you do not need to have the negativity in your life. Wipe it away. If ripping the paper in half and taking the con side and tearing it up helps you feel better, then do so. What ever helps you get over your conflict do it.

You could always journal. Its one way to put your feelings down. It's the one place where no one can judge you, know your deepest darkest secrets. It's a place where you take all your misunderstood thoughts, emotions, and feeling throw them on a piece of paper, and close the book, or that chapter of your day. You can even take that journaled piece of paper and burn it, throw it away so that negativity is out of your life completely. I journaled for a long time, and I still do. I started journaling when I was a sophomore in high school. I was in my honors English class, and everyday we would come in, take out our notebooks and journal about the day before, and our morning. We were able to express ourselves freely. Nothing had to be perfect. We could even say curse words if it helped us feel better. Then at the end of the week our English teacher picked the papers up, read them, made comments, gave advice, and returned it to us by Monday the following week.

She got me started. Then I began therapy. And my therapist prescribed me anti-depressants, and gave me my very first "real" journal. I am so thankful for journaling to be honest. I think it has given me the strength and the ability to sit here, and write to all of you today.

Everyday I ask at least one person, "What should I write and blog about today?" and every reply from a friend is, talk about teenage girls having to deal with guy issues, or talk about sex, or talk about boys in general, and I tell these friends of mine that I am going through the same situations, and I don't know if I am comfortable talking about them. Then I realize that I sit here almost everyday talking about my sexual abuse, and I feel absolutely  comfortable. So for now I tell them, and any other girls/guys that are going through boy issues to start journaling. Getting your feelings out, with exact detail, no hidden messages or agendas, no one to give you their overly biased comments helps you so much emotionally. It's just you and the paper. It is a very personal, secure, and confidential relationship between you two. Nothing comes between you.

Though, I will give you one piece of advice, guys will always find girls complicated, and girls will always find guys complicated. So, what is the solution? COMMUNICATION! Talk with one another. You may fear rejection, or fear the word no, but you forget and forgive. Move on, there are a million, actually billion of fish in the sea, and one day you will catch the best fish on your lucky hook.

So if today you are struggling, if you are upset, if you are having a bad day, even if you're having a good day write it down, and let the paper know exactly how you are feeling. Do it in a private place, never know when you may get over emotional and tears start to stream. I know I have experienced that. I know it helped me feel a whole let better, and I am pretty positive it can help you start to feel better.

"The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be." -Horace Bushnell

Love always,