Friday, April 19, 2013

What happened behind the closed door?

There are 207,754 victims of sexual assault each year. This saddeneds me so much. I think to myself, "Why in the world would anyone think it is okay to rape, moslest, or sexual abuse another human being? Especially a child?"

It boggles my mind that therer are souls out there that manipulate others to take advantage of them. For what reason? To have control? To feel empowered? I still to this day don't understand. I don't think I ever will. But I know that it has to be a mental issue. Because we have "normal" men/women out there that don't abuse children, or anyone for that matter. So the question remains, and will always remain, why?

I shared my theory of the mental issues, but in my case, my abuser knew what was wrong, and what was right. He would tell me, if anyone tries to touch you with out permission, call the cops, or tell me and I will handle it. It never really clicked in my head, that  what he was doing was "unwanted" and "unpermissioned" touching and the technicalities of everything confused me. I had no idea what was right, and wrong with him, but I knew it was wrong with other people.

I had times where I would feel uncomfortable, but I still didn't understand. I thought it was normal. I thought that was how he showed his love toward me and my sisters.

One night, he got drunk. My cousin and I went to the restroom. And I remember him kicking me out the bathroom. Better yet he threw me out of the bathroom. I remember that I waited outside the bathroom door, knowing exactly what was going on, on the inside. So he came out, and I looked at her. She was scared, and sad. I kept asking her, "What happened? Did he do something to you?" She just kept telling me, "If I tell you your whole family will be ruined. It wouldn't be whole. I can't tell you. I told him I wouldn't."

I made the situation a big deal. She would run away from, but I would chase her. She eventually locked her self away from, and I let it go. At least I let her think that. The next morning I acted as if nothing happened. But I still remembered, and I thought long and hard about it.

Then I just gave up. Why? Because I felt it would mean nothing if I said something. I felt as if I didn't have enough proof. I also felt that I underestimated his sense of control and manipulation.

I moved on with my life, and lived it just like everyday before. It probably wasn't a good idea, but looking back it was the best decision I ever made. I am a different person. I am person who wants to change the world, one person at a time, or a group at a time.

So today I leave you with, be loving to one another, and open your eyes for those you love around you. You never know what could be happening behind a closed door. Looks can be deceiving...

Love always,
Tayler Marie

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