Today I sit here, writing and rewriting. Not sure how to go about this!
To tell or not to tell?
I have pondered this often today...
My voice may be the one to save someone, or to help them through their tough times..
I was sexually abused growing up. The hardest part is not saying something. I had this mind state, that if I said something everything would go wrong in my life. That it would be my fault for not keeping my mouth shut and not keeping the family together. I told myself for the longest time that it was easier to endure the painful suffering of the abuse and manipulation then to face reality of not having my family...
To you, you may ask, why do that to yourself? Well when you see your family happy around each other, and doing "normal" things, it gives you hope that things will change in your life. It gives you some faith that the person, who you think you love, will one day stop and realize that what they did was a mistake! Though, that is not always the case. To be honest it can get worse. There becomes threats, and demands, and you are not so sure you can handle it anymore. You are no longer yourself. That bugs you at first, but then it becomes home. It become almost natural to lie to others. To tell them, "I love my life." When in reality you don't feel that way at all. You feel like its not worth anything.
I had kept this a secret my whole life... and I continued to keep it a secret.
The summer of 2009, the truth came out, and I continued to lie... to my mom, sisters, the police. Eventually the case was closed and we could continue our lives.
Then one afternoon, it happened, again. It was horrible... I felt like life was over. I felt shameful for letting it happen and not speaking out and telling the truth. It felt like my heart was being ripped out my chest, and it literally hurt me to even think about it. So I got the courage to tell my sister. My sister knew, and she helped me write a long, not so very detailed letter to my mom. We left the letter on her bed and went out with family.
When I came home, my mother was so sad. Her eyes were bloodshot red, and had so much pain, guilt, and denial. So many emotions I read on her face! At this point I was confused and was doubting myself if writing that letter was a good idea.
My mom had the same thing happened to her, and she could not believe that she did not see this happening to her babies. There soon was change in our lives, it looked brighter...
I know this is personal, but sexual assault is in existence, and its a hard thing to go through and understand and get over. Just understand that there are options for life, and it can make all the difference... even if you feel like there will be no one, that's not true, there are so many people you just have to believe and have faith that you can confide and trust in them, to help you get through your situation!