Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Motivation to Be

Some days I get this feeling of guilt because I have not written in a while and this is my baby. I use to be a faithful writer. Everyday I would have a lesson of my life or life in general and I would try and have this positive outlook for that situation that was focused. But I lost motivation and the drive to want to continue writing. I started the rough draft to a book that I thought I could be easily manifested and turns out life is busy. I mean trying to balance college, social life, homework, work, and my sanity is all to crazy.

But recently I have been motivated to almost start at the beginning. Give a different view through the different person I am today. Last night I watched a video that was posted on my Facebook and this girl experienced sexual abuse, and that lead her down a path of self-destruction. And it was very heart-breaking to even watch. I mean I experienced almost the same situation and I had my "rebel" and "depressed" moments, but I never had the 'side-effects' that she had. And that made me really think about what I had been through. I thought about how I felt after I got the outcome that was needed from my situation and what my mental stability was and still is. I took the "coming out" really hard. Telling my mom and my family and my sisters what had happen was the hardest thing I have ever encountered. It was harder than moving 600 miles away from my mom, it was harder than any class I have had so far in college, it was harder than leaving the most important people in my life, so that I could accomplish my dreams. It was seriously the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And I did go into a deep depression and then my depression turn to anger. Anger that was directed at the wrong people in my life. They were being effected by out-lashes that were totally unnecessary. I can remember yelling at someone for little things. For example, if they decided that they wanted to sit by me while they were eating I would ask them, "What the hell do you think you are doing sitting next me while you're eating?" and I would cry instantaneously (and still to this day happens) if someone would clean their teeth. They suck the food or whatever it may be out of their teeth and it makes me cry. I don't cry because it makes me sad, I cry because it makes me angry. There is this switch that goes off in my mind that makes me so furious and irritated that I cry. I have to get up or away from whoever is doing that and calm myself down. In the beginning I didn't know why, and then I knew that it was a side-effect and something I have to work through and handle everyday of my life. And I realized that I did have after effects from my abuse just like the girl from the video. They were just different than hers.

Her and I did have one affect that were similar and that was confidence. Confidence in our appearance. She became bulimic because she thought that what people told her was true, especially the statement "you're fat". Though I did not become bulimic, I did have self-esteem issues. I started wearing more make-up, dressed more provocatively, and I would complain about every aspect of my appearance. I hated how 'chunky' my cheeks were, how big my nose was, how small my lips were, how little my eyes were, how un-perfect my skin was, how little my thighs, calves, and ass were. I mean I criticized every itch of my body. And that put me in a place that today I wish to never go back to. I had rebuild my confidence from the ground up. I got a job, I started showing interest in guys, and doing those things really helped rebuild me and my personality. I felt beautiful to have random costumers, and co-workers tell me that I was gorgeous and that they wish that had my eyes and that they wish they were thin like me and still have a 'curve' to their figure. I fell in love with that fact that I had the ability to make boys/men turn their heads. That I could affect them. I caught myself looking in the mirror longer than normal and I found myself feeling real genuine confidence in all that I was. I loved my personality and I learned to love my entire body. And I realized that if I hadn't experienced that abuse, I would not be the strong, and self-confident person that I am today. I accepted the quote/statement "everything happens for a reason".

Trauma comes differently in everyone's life. It could be different types of abuse: sexual, physical, and or emtional. It could be a car accident, doing something accidentally that changes your whole life, it could be fighting war, in reality and in your mind. By mind I mean mental issues: depression, schizophrenia, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) etc. It could be many things, and that is one of the hardest, or the hardest thing you will ever have to encounter and get over. Life is the most unexpected, and the most rewarding experience that any human can ever encounter. It is worth it. Every moment, every mistake, every doubt, every regret, is worth the life you can make if you try and have a positive outlook on each and every know-how.  

With that said, I hope that today was better than yesterday, and that tomorrow is better than today! <3


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