Motivation to Be

Some days I get this feeling of guilt because I have not written in a while and this is my baby. I use to be a faithful writer. Everyday I would have a lesson of my life or life in general and I would try and have this positive outlook for that situation that was focused. But I lost motivation and the drive to want to continue writing. I started the rough draft to a book that I thought I could be easily manifested and turns out life is busy. I mean trying to balance college, social life, homework, work, and my sanity is all to crazy.

But recently I have been motivated to almost start at the beginning. Give a different view through the different person I am today. Last night I watched a video that was posted on my Facebook and this girl experienced sexual abuse, and that lead her down a path of self-destruction. And it was very heart-breaking to even watch. I mean I experienced almost the same situation and I had my "rebel" and "depressed" moments, but I never had the 'side-effects' that she had. And that made me really think about what I had been through. I thought about how I felt after I got the outcome that was needed from my situation and what my mental stability was and still is. I took the "coming out" really hard. Telling my mom and my family and my sisters what had happen was the hardest thing I have ever encountered. It was harder than moving 600 miles away from my mom, it was harder than any class I have had so far in college, it was harder than leaving the most important people in my life, so that I could accomplish my dreams. It was seriously the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And I did go into a deep depression and then my depression turn to anger. Anger that was directed at the wrong people in my life. They were being effected by out-lashes that were totally unnecessary. I can remember yelling at someone for little things. For example, if they decided that they wanted to sit by me while they were eating I would ask them, "What the hell do you think you are doing sitting next me while you're eating?" and I would cry instantaneously (and still to this day happens) if someone would clean their teeth. They suck the food or whatever it may be out of their teeth and it makes me cry. I don't cry because it makes me sad, I cry because it makes me angry. There is this switch that goes off in my mind that makes me so furious and irritated that I cry. I have to get up or away from whoever is doing that and calm myself down. In the beginning I didn't know why, and then I knew that it was a side-effect and something I have to work through and handle everyday of my life. And I realized that I did have after effects from my abuse just like the girl from the video. They were just different than hers.

Her and I did have one affect that were similar and that was confidence. Confidence in our appearance. She became bulimic because she thought that what people told her was true, especially the statement "you're fat". Though I did not become bulimic, I did have self-esteem issues. I started wearing more make-up, dressed more provocatively, and I would complain about every aspect of my appearance. I hated how 'chunky' my cheeks were, how big my nose was, how small my lips were, how little my eyes were, how un-perfect my skin was, how little my thighs, calves, and ass were. I mean I criticized every itch of my body. And that put me in a place that today I wish to never go back to. I had rebuild my confidence from the ground up. I got a job, I started showing interest in guys, and doing those things really helped rebuild me and my personality. I felt beautiful to have random costumers, and co-workers tell me that I was gorgeous and that they wish that had my eyes and that they wish they were thin like me and still have a 'curve' to their figure. I fell in love with that fact that I had the ability to make boys/men turn their heads. That I could affect them. I caught myself looking in the mirror longer than normal and I found myself feeling real genuine confidence in all that I was. I loved my personality and I learned to love my entire body. And I realized that if I hadn't experienced that abuse, I would not be the strong, and self-confident person that I am today. I accepted the quote/statement "everything happens for a reason".

Trauma comes differently in everyone's life. It could be different types of abuse: sexual, physical, and or emtional. It could be a car accident, doing something accidentally that changes your whole life, it could be fighting war, in reality and in your mind. By mind I mean mental issues: depression, schizophrenia, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) etc. It could be many things, and that is one of the hardest, or the hardest thing you will ever have to encounter and get over. Life is the most unexpected, and the most rewarding experience that any human can ever encounter. It is worth it. Every moment, every mistake, every doubt, every regret, is worth the life you can make if you try and have a positive outlook on each and every know-how.  

With that said, I hope that today was better than yesterday, and that tomorrow is better than today! <3

Xoxo,
TaylerMarie

Internal Change

Things happen in life. You live and you learn. But when you are in the mix of it all you don't see the outcome.

Change is all around us. Making us who we are as people. We change every single day. We discover things about ourselves that we didn't know yesterday.

Being here, living in a new place, with new people is changing me and who I thought I was back home. I am having fun, and I love it here, but the change is scaring. It is also exhilarating. The difficulty in it all is accepting those changes.

How can you live your life a certain way for so long, and when you discover new things about yourself, and life, just accept it? It's hard. It is easier said than done. I think we all have moments in our lives where we really just have an eye opener. Something that literally changes your life. Whether it is with people you meet, or an experience you tried for the first time, it can make the difference.

I am having a life change. I am having a hard time accepting certain things, but I am gratefully and selfishly accepting the things that are "acceptable", "beneficial", "valuable". It will never be easy accepting the troublesome you are faced with.
I usually have something philosophical, and promising to say. To encourage you. To try and make everything better, or more easy if you are experiencing a similar situation, but let's get real here, shit happens. I am writing and more than 20 different countries are reading, so lets be honest and say it how it is. Shit that you don't want to happen, will happen. You won't want to accept it, but you have to do it. You have to accept it, so that you can be happy. Because if you are not internally happy with your self, your life will be miserable.
The actions that we have to take to complete the change that is challenging will be the most important steps you take as a person.

So with that said, I hope today is better than yesterday, and tomorrow is better than today!

Xoxo,
Love always,
TaylerMarie <3

New Journey

Lately I have not been writing as much as I want, but that is because I am a working girl now!

I have to earn money to pay for the things I need for college, and for all the things I want to do before I go! Part of being an adult.

But I have also stopped writing because I have been contemplating on whether or not I should print all my blogs, organized, do my writing magic, and put it into a book. And with my time, and thoughtful consideration, I have taken on this challenge.

The challenge of writing, the challenge of giving raw emotion, and the truth behind me and my past, present, and what I want for the future!
I have notice that I have lost some followers because my lack of writing, but know that I am not done. This is only the beginning. Please be patient and supportive of my decision! I have no idea what I am doing, or how to start! But I am taking that challenge.

If you any, and I seriously mean this, if ANY of you have any advice please let me know! This a new journey! It's going to take a while, so I promise you all that I will update you when something happens!

I thank each and every one of you for your loyal support, and dedication when it comes to my blogs! I love you all so very much!

I never thought I could be so blessed to have my words, and stories, and advice be heard in more than twenty countries! Truly I am grateful!


Xoxo

Love always,
TaylerMarie <3


Email me: bloggergirltayler@gmail.com

Difficulty

Difficulty comes at a price. That price is your emotions, and the positive energy that is within your soul! It seems like it is just stripped away from you. And its our job is to find it, fix it, and move on. But its not as easy as 123 or ABC, it's more complex than that!

The first step that is hard, is finding it. That part is perplex. Being lost, is an unbearable feeling! We don't know who we are, what to do, or why our minds are so dark. Maybe we lost our memory of it, or its because of our memory that we are so lost, and dark. When we are in this stage all we can focus on is the pessimistic energy that surrounds us, so to find us, we have to search within us, and find our light, our good energy, and try to run toward it.

When we find that light, and that energy, we have to move to the next stage, which is the hardest. We have to fix us. So what does that mean? It means that we have to know that whatever the situation or problem is, its not our fault. And we have to believe it with every fiber in our bodies, in our minds, and in our souls. When we know that, the heavy weight is lifted a little bit. It takes time to reach down and pick ourselves up, but use the good around you to help. Use the strength, the determination, the devotion, and the tenacity to stand tall, and take control of your life!

Once we have completed these two steps we can complete the process of healing. We can move on. We may always have the memories, but the forgiveness and strength we contain, can help us preserve anything life throws our way!

With that I hope today was better than yesterday, and tomorrow is better than today!

XOXO!
Love always,
TaylerMarie <3

Email me anytime!

bloggergirltayler@gmail.com

I'm back!

I'M BACK!! Hello world! Hope all is well with everyone. I want to give an update about my life! The last time I blogged I talked about college, and how I reapplied and was hoping, and praying that I get accepted! Well, with hard work, and a great personal statement, I have been accepted to Humboldt State University!! I have also been busy and haven't had time to write because I have a job now. My very first ever job! It's at a fast food place here in my little town.

Life gives us complications, diversity in our way of life, and it gives us attitude. They way we want to perceive and accept those ways is up to us. If we always see the negative, how will we ever have the positive brought into our lives?? I know that it won't always be unicorns and rainbows, but hell, if we don't think we are going to see that at the end of the tunnel where does that leave us mentally? It leaves us depressed, and feeling "unwanted". Sometimes we need to look at ourselves from the outside in, to overcome our hardships.

I have a hard time every now & again. I'm not saying that anyone has it perfect. We have all been to hell in back I'm sure. It's not fun. For a lack of better words, sometimes the roses smell like shit. But we have to realize that just down the road a way there is a field of wildflowers and they smell blissfully well, and give you the strength to do whatever trials come your way!

Having a life with negativity is hard. Especially if you're a survivor! I'm just strarting on this whole "adult hood" and so I don't have the means to move out on my own. Though at times I wish I was so I could have quietness or peace. But we have this life and we live for right now not yesterday, and we prepare for tomorrow! Be grateful for everything wonderful!

I'm so glad to be back, and impacting the world! Hope everyone enjoyed, and I promise there will be more!

I hope today was better than yesterday, and tomorrow is better than today!!

Love always,
TaylerMarie!! <3

Email me: bloggergirltayler@gmail.com

Hope for the Change!

I see we have some new countries to welcome, so welcome!!!! Hope you enjoy the inspiring words!

I know I have been M.I.A for a while now! But a lot has happened! I have reapplied to college at Humboldt State University! I really am praying and hoping that I get accepted. To be honest my grades, SAT, ACT scores are not the best! Though I feel with the time I have had off I have learned my lesson, and I KNOW that I can do so much better in college, and I will be successful!

I have been doing research for weeks now! Looking at my options and what I can do to get accepted! I have really just been focused on my personal statement, and really making sure it is perfected and to the TEE! I have so much riding on this! My whole life. I didn't get the opportunity this fall semester because of some personal issues, and now I have the opportunity! I am really praying that I get accepted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have fought so hard for this. I deserve this. I have persevered, pushed, and over came so much pain, and emotional agony! I know that if this happens, everything in my life will be changed. I will be able to broaden my horizons with  an education.

I want to be able to keep doing what I am doing here online, but also be able to help others in the real world. Right now I am not able to do that. I try, by giving out words and advice as to what I think is correct based off my own experiences, and emotions, but sometimes I don't know how to respond to other's stories or issues. I need to be able to be ready, and confident in everything that I am going to say. I don't ever want to let others down, but sometimes I really do not know! That is why college is the best option.

Anyone with ambition, tenacity, determination, and love within their soul can truly accomplish anything, and that is what I am certain of! Like one of my favorite philosophers has said, "Be the change you want to see in the world"! That is what I am trying to live for. That is what has inspired the blog name, and my motivation to try and make a change.

I want to be able to educate the world on the abuse children, teens, and even adults are experiencing everyday, and not knowing or being able to navigate the situation. I always say to speak up, tell the truth because it will help you in the end, but that fear you carry within, is so much more dominant than the confidence you think it takes to say something. But know that in the end you will be free, and be able to chase all your dreams and aspirations.

I hope you all have been enjoying life, and the new school year!

With that, I hope today was better than yesterday, and tomorrow is better than today!

Xoxo
Love always,
TaylerMarie

Email me at bloggergirltayler@gmail.com  if you have any question, comments, or concerns. I am always checking my email. Xoxo

Love!

There is always going to be one thing that everyone is searching, wanting, needing in life, and that is love. Whether we want to admit it or not, feeling that exact feeling is the most incredible feeling.

I have not yet fell in love with someone, though I have liked someone with an improbable amount of liking. But I do this thing where I push them away. Or I say things that are unbelievable, and so random, that it makes me someone I know they don't want.

I have recently been working on that! Not pushing away, and working through all my insecurities. I have to let myself be vulnerable, and open, or I will never get the chance to feel, or experience love.

I know that every girl has that secret fairy-tale love that plays through their head. I know I do.
I dream of actually being me without judgement. I dream that I will be infatuated with everything my partner has to offer as a person. I dream that I will be able to be honest, and open with my life. I dream that I will never not want this person. I dream that we will fight for everything, no matter the situation. That no matter what our backgrounds are, no matter the baggage we will fight, because we know that there is potential and that there is love between us. I dream that I will have someone to encourage me on all job dreams and crazy projects, like being an advocate to teens that have been abused. I dream of having someone who can handle my moods because I am one of those teens that were abused.
I dream of a love that almost every girl wants, but this is the real world, not a movie. We have to learn that some people don't have the same courage to fight like you. That some people are more stubborn, or they don't have the same drive, and dedication. Life of love will always be complicated, even when you think you found the one.

I have seen basically everyone in my family fall in love, and fall right back out, or get their hearts broken! It wasn't easy for them. It was painful watching, and if you have ever seen that, you know you never want to feel that. I know that, that is also one of the main reason why I am so close guarded, and don't want  to fall in love because I don't want to feel pain. It's not a feeling people want, but sometimes to grow as people, and keep our humanity, and moral ways intact we have to experience those feelings.

Love is something I am always seeking, but so desperately hiding from!

I think the saying, "There is fine line between love and hate," is a true statement. I see couples who are genuinely happy, but they fight like they hate that person with every fiber in their bodies. But that is the "baggage" when you love someone so much.

Love will be a wonderful, exciting, dangerous, nerve racking experience for anyone no matter how many time they have fallen in love. Let what is suppose to be, be!

If you are girl, or even a guy, that has been through a similar situation of abuse, dropping your guard won't be easy. I know exactly what that feels like! So here is my advice for you, become their friend before their partner. Get to know them, take your time, slowly open up, so that they can completely understand you.

I am doing that, taking it slow with whoever the person I may have potential feelings for, and work from there. If we just breath, know that we are strong independent human beings, then you can accomplish anything, even LOVE!

With that, I hope today was better than yesterday, and tomorrow is better than today!
Xoxo <3

Love always,
TaylerMarie

Email me: bloggergirltayler@gmail.com